Desire. So easily sparked in the hearts of man. An incendiary, smouldering insidiously. Burning.
We’re going through a difficult time at the moment – I won’t go into it but suffice is to say one outcome could be pretty crap.
A deep fault of mine is that I allow worry to wrap itself round my heart and squeeze ever so painfully. So much so I find it hard to pray. If you know me you probably wouldn’t realise – as I just ‘carry on’. I think it’s something I inherited from my mum – just ‘get on with it’. Crying about it isn’t going to make it any better…
I had to leave for work super early this morning. There’s something about silly’o’clock – like no one’s touched the day yet. It’s clean.
I’d grabbed some AVON brochures on my way out the door to post along a nearby road. I crossed paths with a man doing a paper round from his Ford Escort…remember when it used to be a young teenager on a bike?
I found myself dwelling on what’s hurting me most – and asked God where he was in all of it. Over the last few days I’ve felt a numbness that I’ve wondered is the vacuous absence of God.
So much so this morning that I asked:
“Do you love me Lord? Do you really Love me?”
After posting the last AVON brochure, unusually, I’d put on my headphones as I walked to the train station. I wanted to listen to a Christian music playlist – if I can’t pray, this is the next best way to talk to God, right?
A band came on and then as I turned into I side street my playlist jumped to the next song.
“How he Loves us..” – Cory Asbury.
‘Odd’, I thought.
I got to the station platform and phrase from the bible came to mind; Paul in Corinthians saying:
“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh..” – 2 Corinthians 12:7
I realise that there are so many others a lot worse off than me: financially, health wise…but I wonder why it feels like I’m herding kittens? Am I thriving? Am I doing what God’s really planned for me?
Paul talks about overcoming the ‘thorn in his side’ – and uses the analogy to stay grounded in Christ. If I struggle to pray in the worst times, how will I ever feel ‘connected’?
I actually feel like i’ve only just got my head above the water, and I can see the next wave coming. It will engulf me…
Shine your light in the deep well,
Where the darkness swallows me.
Dig dig down deep.
You ex-ca-vate hope and love
Buried beneath the clag.
Cloyed, cramped, clumped.
With your bare hands you dig,
You scrape away the fetid,
The thorns and the stones.
I love your unsightly face
Streaked in my ignominy,
That gore is mine. I am clean.
You make beautiful things,
Out of mud. Deliverer. Redeemer.
When you dig, dig down deeper.
Inspired by Genesis 26: 12-25
The mud in my well is……….?
Baby has cold.
Baby has a cold; watery eyes,
Staccato cough. Cough. Cough.
Baby has a cold;
Mucus covered lullabies, halt.
The night-light dim dimming in the day,
And bunny lies lonely by his head.
Baby has a cold;
Baby’s in bed. Out of bed, in my arms.
Baby cries. Red eyes, Rosie cheeks.
Shiny nose. Red nose. Crusty nose.
Baby has a cold.
I thought it a shame, as you click clicked
That you missed the warmth of a small body,
And the softest hair at his nape.
As you swipe swiped, I wanted to name you apathy, but for your self-regard.
I swallow around the tight ball
To collect blinks, a lifted chin, a
You can Like them later – or rather, you probably won’t.
Throbbing and dry.
These are the eyes,
Straining to see you,
Through the darkness.
Dimming then bright.
Those are the stars,
Splashing around you,
Wonky star light.
I left you sleeping to worship
Our God in heaven.
I left your warmth and comfort
And walked into the cold wind
And the icy rain.
But when I sat before God
And asked him to bless you,
To greatly bless you
A new comfort, like no other
Settled over me.
A love, like no other
He teaches me how to love you
How to greatly love you.
Let me count the ways you love me…
An eon’s not enough in time.
You call me, call me, call me.
And I continue to hide.
While your love spans the ages,
And I have turned away
You love me, love me, love me.
But I never stay.
It’s only when I’m on my knees
And I can no longer run
You bless me, bless me, bless me
And I come undone.
Lord carry me, carry me, carry me.
And I will count the ways
You love me, love me, love me
I will sing your praise.
Lean in closer
Hear His whisper
He is sending me.
Keep me learning
Keening for me.
And he holds me
Tighter than ever
As I slip and slide.
Like a child
Washing me clean.
Lean in closer
Feel the whisper
My soul is yearning
Simply to BE.
His still strong voice
Like a child
Making me clean.
Time goes so quickly,
When I’m moved to praise you!
When you’re filling my heart
And I am thankful, the minutes slip by.
Is it because I’m looking up
And no longer looking at my feet?
Finally seeing your light and glory,
And not sluggish darkness that weighs me?
Down, so down, down it threatens to drag me.
But when I lift my arms to you,
And cry “Father!” you hear me.
Embrace me Lord, enfold me.
Reawaken my soul on fire!
Lift my eyes to you
Like a tender love
So all I see is you, and none other.
• “He will call out to me, ‘You are my Father, my God, the Rock my Saviour.’” Psalm 89:26
RTBT: Thank you Lord for the freedom we have to love and praise you openly