Thriving?

Posted on by Audiogeist

We’re going through a difficult time at the moment – I won’t go into it but suffice is to say one outcome could be pretty crap.

A deep fault of mine is that I allow worry to wrap itself round my heart and squeeze ever so painfully. So much so I find it hard to pray. If you know me you probably wouldn’t realise – as I just ‘carry on’. I think it’s something I inherited from my mum – just ‘get on with it’. Crying about it isn’t going to make it any better…

I had to leave for work super early this morning. There’s something about silly’o’clock – like no one’s touched the day yet. It’s clean.

I’d grabbed some AVON brochures on my way out the door to post along a nearby road. I crossed paths with a man doing a paper round from his Ford Escort…remember when it used to be a young teenager on a bike?

I found myself dwelling on what’s hurting me most – and asked God where he was in all of it. Over the last few days I’ve felt a numbness that I’ve wondered is the vacuous absence of God.

So much so this morning that I asked:

“Do you love me Lord? Do you really Love me?”

After posting the last AVON brochure, unusually, I’d put on my headphones as I walked to the train station. I wanted to listen to a Christian music playlist – if I can’t pray, this is the next best way to talk to God, right?

A band came on and then as I turned into I side street my playlist jumped to the next song.

“How he Loves us..” – Cory Asbury.

‘Odd’, I thought.

I got to the station platform and phrase from the bible came to mind; Paul in Corinthians saying:

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh..” – 2 Corinthians 12:7

I realise that there are so many others a lot worse off than me: financially, health wise…but I wonder why it feels like I’m herding kittens? Am I thriving? Am I doing what God’s really planned for me?

Paul talks about overcoming the ‘thorn in his side’ – and uses the analogy to stay grounded in Christ. If I struggle to pray in the worst times, how will I ever feel ‘connected’?

I actually feel like i’ve only just got my head above the water, and I can see the next wave coming. It will engulf me…

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Mud in the well…

Posted on by Audiogeist

Shine your light in the deep well,
Where the darkness swallows me.
Dig dig down deep.

You ex-ca-vate hope and love
Buried beneath the clag.
Cloyed, cramped, clumped.

With your bare hands you dig,
You scrape away the fetid,
The thorns and the stones.

I love your unsightly face
Streaked in my ignominy,
That gore is mine. I am clean.

You make beautiful things,
Out of mud. Deliverer. Redeemer.
When you dig, dig down deeper.

Inspired by Genesis 26: 12-25
The mud in my well is……….?

Poem: Baby has a cold

Posted on by Audiogeist

Baby has cold.
Baby has a cold; watery eyes,
Snotty nose.
Staccato cough. Cough. Cough.
Baby has a cold;
Mucus covered lullabies, halt.
The night-light dim dimming in the day,
And bunny lies lonely by his head.
Baby has a cold;
Baby’s in bed. Out of bed, in my arms.
Baby cries. Red eyes, Rosie cheeks.
Shiny nose. Red nose. Crusty nose.
Baby has a cold.

Poem: Busy

Posted on by Audiogeist

I thought it a shame, as you click clicked
That you missed the warmth of a small body,
And the softest hair at his nape.
As you swipe swiped, I wanted to name you apathy, but for your self-regard.
I swallow around the tight ball
To collect blinks, a lifted chin, a
Precious smile.
You can Like them later – or rather, you probably won’t.

Poem: I left you sleeping

Posted on by Audiogeist

I left you sleeping to worship

Our God in heaven.

I left your warmth and comfort

And walked into the cold wind

And the icy rain.

But when I sat before God

And asked him to bless you,

To greatly bless you

A new comfort, like no other

Settled over me.

A love, like no other

Enfolded me.

He teaches me how to love you

How to greatly love you.

Poem: Let me count the ways

Posted on by Audiogeist

Let me count the ways you love me…

An eon’s not enough in time.

You call me, call me, call me.

And I continue to hide.

While your love spans the ages,

And I have turned away

You love me, love me, love me.

But I never stay.

It’s only when I’m on my knees

And I can no longer run

You bless me, bless me, bless me

And I come undone.

Lord carry me, carry me, carry me.

And I will count the ways

You love me, love me, love me

I will sing your praise.