The more poeple that know, the more real it becomes

I felt lost in the flat last night, and found myself faffing around on Second Life, visiting the near empty Christian hangouts there. The only person i met really was a newbie, around a day old who had already joined eight or so groups including Big Furry Bears, Gay Horns and Anglicans of Second Life. It felt like a joke.

I’ve not told a single one of my friends as yet. Partly because of the shame of it, partly because that if i tell people, i’m admitting it’s happened. The words feel unreal to me, and i’m not sure people will believe me.

We’re at that stage where we’ve all been caught up with our own lives anyway – so to be honest, picking a close friend, a confident, will be hard. I haven’t had a ‘best friend’ since junior school. One’s going through the process of getting an IVA; another is getting married next week. One’s in the middle of exchanging on her own flat, and another is planning her Vegas wedding in February next year. We’re busy.

Then there’s the matter of being five months married. What’s the protocol? Do we have to return gifts…when some thank you cards have only just made it out?? At least his bonus has come through and we can pay the Church this month.

I’m whispering to God, but i can’t seem to pray. I’m willing the Holy Spirit to stay near, and almost putting out my hand to check he’s there. I think he is. I feel anethestised. Numb.