Don’t Text When You’re Drunk

I blame laughter and Sauvignon Blanc;
Friday night, an inept DJ.
I wonder how you read my misspelled words.
Did they whisper or shout at 2am?
Mute in the light; grey and painful,
Each idiom deciphered, pored over.
Now expectancy fills the space in my chest,
Heavy and humid like my damp flat.
Present residue, just as unwelcome.
Your silence is unfamiliar; jarring as a 10cc engine.
Immersed in the pounding silence,
I realise…it matters. It saps the energy to shrug.
Another minute goes by, void of you.

A ‘down’ day

So, I’m less than 100 metres from Church, sitting in All Bar One with my second large glass of wine…

Now, worshipping God is not at the forefront of my mind, it’s just the guilt that lingers. What’s really making me want to go? Love? Not sure I’m feeling that at the moment. Actually, I’m not feeling it at all…

I’m watching the big hand on the large clock swing round, and it’s nearing a quarter past.. I should leave very soon if I’m going to make the service…

I’ve been torn, really torn about my posting recently; taking where I’m working into consideration. But recently, especially since I didn’t pass my three month probation, and I’m on probation for another three months, I think I shall revert, and continue to be honest with myself (having taken all Facebook links etc down!!)

Two large glasses of wine… And I’m driving. I’m not sure what I think I’m doing, but I’m not ‘well’ today. I’m thinking of Jules

Lonely. How can you be lonely in a house full of people? I think it doesn’t help that, being at mum and dads for a while, I have to listen to constant negativity from their part… They walk backwards, constantly. They offer nothing to look forward to.. Except, the worst.

It’s a quarter past. I’ll go to church. Half cut. And see what God has to say to me.

Poem: Sliding

I finish my first quickly, belligerently,
Avoiding clock, phone, others.
I feel my mood falter, dip…slide
Belligerently, I quickly finish my first.

I feel my mood falter, dip, slide
Headlong toward the stinging place.
I finish my first quickly, belligerently
I slide, feeling my mood falter, dip

Finally tired of goodbyes
This night, I choose alone.
I finish my first quickly, belligerently,
I feel my mood falter, dip…slide

Take A Good look At My Face

The world around me is continuing to go on as normal, and all the while my life is crumbling around my ears.

People are on honeymoon, having birthdays and remembering friends who have passed away today. I felt very lonely watching Daybreak by myself this morning, and I’ve just realised i forgot to eat breakfast.

The meeting with him last night was pretty pointless. I’m not even sure what i wanted from it really – maybe for him just to take a good look at my face.

He has no explanation for his reprehensible behaviour, which makes the fact that he’s ruined our life completely pointless. At least if he’d fallen in love with her, or he hated me, or found me repulsive…

I gave him his rain coat, and he cried a little more. I also told him to book into a counsellor, as he needs to understand why he needed to self destruct. Married again too soon after the death of his previous wife? Low self esteem?

I drank two large glasses of wine with him..he cried into his continuously…my grief engulfed me every so often. I’d felt strong when i first walked into the bar and saw him…and it happened again. Not sure if i’d said, but when i was at the wedding, sitting at the reception, every time i felt overtaken by emotion, i felt a hand in the small of my back, or on my side…like someone had nudged me. The same happened last night.

Not sure how to explain it, Pinot Grigio? But my prayers have been to be kept safe, and close to God. I want to imagine the Holy Spirit as a person, never leaving my side.

Don’t Tell The Bride

Last night was surreal as i sat and watched ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ on BBC iPlayer last night with C. She was desperate to watch it, because it was set in Las Vegas, where she’s getting married next year.

If i say that i feel like the emotion has been gouged out of me..maybe this comes close to explaining how i feel? I actually DON’T feel. And so, i could sit and watch the wedding shenanigans, with just a mild feeling of dread messing around with my insides.

She’d brought over some dresses for me to try on for D Mc’s wedding tomorrow, and found something that looks ok.

Two bottles of wine and some Saki later, it was 1am and i fell into a dreamless sleep. I was obviously not refreshed when i woke up. But i’d slept through the night. A lame victory.

I can imagine him telling his stag friends on the night he met Tracey O’Brien, “Don’t tell the bride…” And so, at the wedding i was indeed blissfully unaware. And happy.

I was happy

I’m addicted to FaceBook at the moment, catching up on friendships…and still debating whether to repost ‘that’ picture, or remove it all together. It also crossed my mind that i could just email it to him…and make him feel bad. But, he’s obviously feeling bad already…

Or, i could make some prints of it and post one out to him every day for a year…but that’d cost me a bit. And i’m trying to save.

Or, maybe i should stick to my original promise and try to find grace.

After the All Souls lunchtime service yesterday i briefly spoke to Hugh Palmer and asked if i could make an appointment to see him. I’m not sure what’s holding me back from making it. Maybe a bit of embarrassment and failure.

I can imagine him looking in his diary, “Oh, that girl i only married five months ago is coming in to see me. Can’t even keep her husband!”

Ugh! I can’t even imagine it. Me? Divorced??

I still can’t believe it – honestly? One minute i’m fine..i can plod on. The next minute i can’t even see straight.

I just can’t believe this is happening.