A ‘down’ day

So, I’m less than 100 metres from Church, sitting in All Bar One with my second large glass of wine…

Now, worshipping God is not at the forefront of my mind, it’s just the guilt that lingers. What’s really making me want to go? Love? Not sure I’m feeling that at the moment. Actually, I’m not feeling it at all…

I’m watching the big hand on the large clock swing round, and it’s nearing a quarter past.. I should leave very soon if I’m going to make the service…

I’ve been torn, really torn about my posting recently; taking where I’m working into consideration. But recently, especially since I didn’t pass my three month probation, and I’m on probation for another three months, I think I shall revert, and continue to be honest with myself (having taken all Facebook links etc down!!)

Two large glasses of wine… And I’m driving. I’m not sure what I think I’m doing, but I’m not ‘well’ today. I’m thinking of Jules

Lonely. How can you be lonely in a house full of people? I think it doesn’t help that, being at mum and dads for a while, I have to listen to constant negativity from their part… They walk backwards, constantly. They offer nothing to look forward to.. Except, the worst.

It’s a quarter past. I’ll go to church. Half cut. And see what God has to say to me.

My Heart is Breaking

It’s my first day back to work today.

Walking in felt really weird, mostly because i don’t want a fuss made; as this is the most likely way to get me to break down. Luckily, Dan is really cool and has just been ‘normal’. It’s the boss that’s a night mare , “come on, let me give you a big hug!”. I actually felt horrified. What? Do you want me to embarrass myself in front of everyone??

Sitting back at my desk feels a bit surreal, which may be a little because i haven’t had much sleep. I didn’t come in too late from seeing HA. It was good to get out and talk to someone over a bottle of wine. She never liked him much anyway – and what i love about her most is that she has always been totally honest about it. But even she’s shocked about it.

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I was woken up by a noise in the flat, and got out of bed to investigate…only, i could hardly move. I also couldn’t talk…let alone shout or scream. I got to the living room…and managed to croak, ‘who’s there!’…when a hand grabbed my arm from behind the door. That’s when i really woke up.

I feel much more emotional now…i sobbed when i got home last night. I sobbed in the bath this morning…and now i’m numb again. I can’t stopping going to FaceBook and looking at her picture..and then the one with him and her. I’m also wishing i hadn’t blocked him, as now i can’t see his profile. I’ve become the person i abhor; the FaceBook stalker, the sad and desperate woman…the one that cries and sobs into her cold coffee.

My Every Day with Jesus spoke to my heart this morning. It’s the fist time i’ve read it, or the bible since last Friday. It was focusing on Jeremiah 29:1-14 – ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart V13. Selwyn Hughes talks about prayer and how a few words muttered in the morning, or before going to sleep is meaningless, as is just saying the Lord’s Prayer. I know God is in my heart, and knows all things…but Selwyn is right…he deserves the respect of a proper conversation from me. Selwyn points to the Creation timeline…’There was evening, then morning …the first day” (my paraphrase). I need to get on my knees and pray this evening – properly for wisdom, strength and guidance….and that my boss will stop asking if i’m ok…