£2 is not a lot

I have £2 in my bank account, this should last me to the end of the month. No, that’s not a typo. And yes, it’s only the 19th…

I’d have never envisaged just how many things you actually have to deal with when you separate from someone. We had a home, shared bills and bank accounts. A shared life, so it is of course inevitable that it will be messy.

I can write reams on the emotional consequences; ripe inspiration for poetry. If I were more motivated, more eloquent, I would write more.

It’s the depression, the realisation and remembrance of the loss, the sadness that engulfs me like a wave that sometimes takes me by surprise. Like today, I feel lonely.

Physically, I think I may have psoriasis on my scalp. Sometimes I feel like clawing my hair out. And now that I don’t drink so much (this, only because I can’t afford to buy it, and not because I don’t want to.) I think my liver feels better…

The funny thing about this is – the sudden ‘coincidences’. That, although I feel down – I still have many reasons to be ‘ok’ in this situation.

For example, the free bottle of wine on Friday that was given to my friend and I because the bar didn’t have a table for us?!

The free ticket to the gig yesterday, and a lift there from a friend meant that I didn’t have to cancel because I couldn’t afford to get there…

I wrote a letter…

Dear,

I thought, at 35 years old, especially when it comes to relationships, that I’d experienced almost everything. And this is nothing to be proud of, but my thinking was…I could handle most of what life throws at me.

When I received the email via Facebook…basically telling me that you had been having an affair…that started on your Stag Do, I realised that I actually don’t know anything about love or relationships; and that you can never put your trust in anything other than God.

I’m confused that you still don’t have a reason for the lying and cheating, especially when you say that you still love me and would want us to still be together? Even more confusing is that it felt as if you were really committing you life to God, and genuinely felt God in your life.

I don’t know what’s going on in your heart – and part of me feels maybe you were being attacked…and failed. I don’t know – but what you’ve done is unforgivable. But, it’s not that I hate you…I hate what you’ve done to something that felt so good, and amazing.

I’m still with fellowship group – and glad you still see R and M – they’ve never mentioned that they see you. And I’m grateful for that. I feel lucky that I have a beautiful network of friends and family who have helped me immensely….i don’t know if I would have got through this without them

The job? Is amazing…seems strange that when I was at XXPR, it was my lifeline, and now I’m here. The people are amazing, the culture is so Christ focussed. We pray/have a devotional in the mornings and praise & worship every Friday lunch time.

The work is challenging, I’m learning so much, and immersing myself in news, entertainment and public affairs…

They have a counselling arm here, Lifeline…I’ve seen one of the ladies there. Again…XX has been my lifeline…

Anyway – we have a lot to sort out now….and no, i haven’t found anywhere to live yet.

I have to be out of the flat by 3rd March.

Will your Uncle be around to help more the heavy furniture? Worst-case scenario, I was thinking of getting storage – so can always dump stuff there.

I won’t need the sofa; probably won’t need the fridge. I really don’t know what to take tbh – and would only want what I need/can fit in wherever I’m going. I really want to ask for the TV for mum and dad really – and would give ££ towards it? Theirs is going…they don’t even get sound through there’s properly now. Wherever I go, I’m sure I’ll be ok with the little one.

Through Different Eyes

I’ve just had to take a long hard look at myself. And it’s awful.

Friends tell me that what i am doing is normal; that is going out, drinking too much wine and going on ‘dates’ is not a bad thing. But…and BUT…this evening it all came crashing down around my ears. I sobbed on the train home from Watford. I cried when i got in the flat…and i think i cried myself to sleep.

I met an old friend for dinner in Watford this evening. He’s expecting a baby, which is unplanned, but i got a sense of expectation and excitment from him.

Then, on the way home i received a call that made me stop and take a look at myself. I’d planned to meet up on ‘dates’ during the week, and on Sunday. But, my ‘dating’, revelry or whatever i want to call it is such a bad idea. It doesn’t matter how much i go out, or drink, the problem is still here when i put the glass down. In fact, it’s unfair on whoever it is i’m making ‘friends’ with, i’m a drunken mess. So, i’m dumped (again), and straight after i call the other ‘friend’ to cancel our dinner on Sunday.

When i finally got home i remembered the ‘Liar and Cheat’ had been in to pick up some things. What he’d picked up? I still don’t really know. But he’s left me a DVD he thought i’d like, and a text message to say how much he still loves me?!

I’m not ok. I’m really not.

No Decisions

It was a beautiful, Godless wedding; which surprised me as i’d always thought registry offices would be dowdy and lack luster. The Old Town Hall, on Marylebone is a beautiful building. It was a bright day, albeit cold. But most importantly, it didn’t rain!

It was a drama from the start though; having planned to be at HA’s for 1pm, traffic, roadworks and everything else you could think of between South and North London impeded me, which resulted in me pulling up at hers around 2.15pm. The wedding was at 3pm!

There was poetry from John Betjemen (A Subaltern’s Love Song – Miss Joan Hunter Dunn), W H Auden (The drinking Poem?) and one other that escapes me.

At the Amadeus Centre we were treated to a champagne reception, and then a lovely dinner. There were fab speeches, with one from D herself, and her dad. It was lovely. And although i enjoyed it all….it’s all in a bit of a haze of my own misery, which i couldn’t shake. Funny how i found it easy to smile, horrified that i’d leave a stain on her day.

Then there was dancing, and i danced. It was good meeting up again with friends i hadn’t seen in a while. And making new ones. There was someone i must have talked to for most of the night. They’d also jsut split from a long term relationship. We actually laughed at what a miserable pair we made.

He texted me last night, agreeing to a face to face meeting tomorrow, and signed off asking me to take him back.

That’s what hurts the most, that he could do this; break my heart and think that i love him enough to take him back after. It’s not that i don’t love him, it’s that i have love for myself more now.

Adultery

Place the photo album in trash. Hide the picture frames under the couch. The dress will go to Oxfam. (Stuff the topper in the ‘junk’ drawer). Open the bottle of Pino Grigot…

I found out my husband has been having an affair yesterday. We’ve been married five months.

Or, I should say – I received an email via FaceBook with the information. Gary Thomas; whistle blower, marriage wrecker. Thank you.

My parents are shocked; his mother is distraught. His brother called me to say he’s gutted. I am numb. I can see the ripples of devastation shooting through the air. It’s not just me he’s damaged, but two families.

I’m numb.

The only time i really cried was this mroning, when it dawned on me he has taken my children away from me. We were planning a family, and had chosen names for both a boy and a girl that will now never be.

Now, i need to know why.