Poem: Spectre

Let me see something real?
I envisage your eyes, dark
And the slant of your lips
So untrustworthy is your soul.

Dark, is the slant of your lips
So untrustworthy is your soul
Embrace the spectre you are
Yield to your hypnotic appeal

Tired of the spectre you are
I Yeild to your hypnotic appeal
Justification in my palm
I forget with the 7am alarm

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Friends Indeed

I’d often had cause to complain about my friends; some can be flaky or uncompromising. There’s one who will stay in West London, never to venture out, leaving me to trek over to see her each time. Then there’s the Christmas party where each one of them copped out because the couldn’t make the effort to get to Southfields. Oh, and let’s not mention the birthday barbeque party at mum’s, again, too far south.

I probably won’t have a party again, ever…unless it’s an intimate dinner; but i’ve realised that in a time of personal crisis they will all be there. Every single one of them.

Straight away they’ve made themselves available for me to ‘lean’ on. Although i’d always reckoned on being quite strong, i’m so not. And it’s pride that stops me from cracking up. If i let go…who know’s what will happen? I sometimes feel i’d melt into a puddle of goo like the Senator Kelly in X-Men 2.

They all have an opinion on him, of course. Although most are totally gobsmacked when they first find out. Once the shock passes, most want to either stab him or punch him. I might start a poll, and see which is the most popular form of retribution.

I still pity him, and have prayed for him everyday. I hope he takes my advice and does truely see a counsellor.

Maybe we just have to face the fact as women; that it’s in a man’s makeup to cheat? They just can’t be monogamous? But i know deep down, that there are men out that, who’re not even Christians, that are faithful to their wives/partners and who love them ‘to the exclusion of all others..’

This has me thinking; if he’s been seeing her for over six months, (half a year!), then he must have an emotional attachment to her. And what’s worse? Emotional or physical cheating?

Take A Good look At My Face

The world around me is continuing to go on as normal, and all the while my life is crumbling around my ears.

People are on honeymoon, having birthdays and remembering friends who have passed away today. I felt very lonely watching Daybreak by myself this morning, and I’ve just realised i forgot to eat breakfast.

The meeting with him last night was pretty pointless. I’m not even sure what i wanted from it really – maybe for him just to take a good look at my face.

He has no explanation for his reprehensible behaviour, which makes the fact that he’s ruined our life completely pointless. At least if he’d fallen in love with her, or he hated me, or found me repulsive…

I gave him his rain coat, and he cried a little more. I also told him to book into a counsellor, as he needs to understand why he needed to self destruct. Married again too soon after the death of his previous wife? Low self esteem?

I drank two large glasses of wine with him..he cried into his continuously…my grief engulfed me every so often. I’d felt strong when i first walked into the bar and saw him…and it happened again. Not sure if i’d said, but when i was at the wedding, sitting at the reception, every time i felt overtaken by emotion, i felt a hand in the small of my back, or on my side…like someone had nudged me. The same happened last night.

Not sure how to explain it, Pinot Grigio? But my prayers have been to be kept safe, and close to God. I want to imagine the Holy Spirit as a person, never leaving my side.