The Royal Wedding (or, It’s exactly a year ago…)

And so, The Year is approaching. And as the Royal couple get ready for their Big Day, amongst the media buzz and furore, I try to forget my Big Day.

Forget the excitement of the last few days of singledom; the brilliant Hen night, the last minute preparations, the finishing touches and eleventh-hour-decisions. Although, I must say, I’m happiest forgetting the smoke spewing from my credit cards.

There were ever widening ripples of excitement amongst family and friends. Proud faces, happy congratulations – but above all, there was the two of us. There was my blind trust in him; that we were a ‘team’. We’d see each other through the minor stresses to enjoy the biggest and best day of our lives. Because after it, we knew we had the rest of our lives ahead of us.

What a difference A Year makes?

I’ve moved to a new place, on my own. I say ‘new’ – but this town is where I’ve had my happiest memories. I lived here when I was around 5 to about 10 years old. ‘Here’ was the first house mum and dad owned. Here is where I went to school, had a best friend..’played out’ ‘til late with my next door neighbour; oh, and fell while swinging on bollards putting my teeth through my bottom lip.

I like it here – but I don’t like the worry that comes with planning to meet bills, and make ends meet, having no one to lean on; no more ‘team’.

It’s the wine – I’m being a tad negative.

Yes on the other hand, there’s the positive challenge of being on my own. Doing my own thing, and at my own pace. The positive making of me as a strong and motivated woman, who’s not reliant on a man.

This is what I was before I met him actually – although never single, I was quite independent. But once you start leaning on someone, you easily get used to the support, and become lazy.

Anyway, wine aside. Today, I’m sad.

I hate weddings

I didn’t take a single photo. And it was a beautiful wedding. The fact that it was at All Souls, and it’s April…grated on me. And if I’m totally honest – I hated every minute. Please don’t tell the bride.

I left the evening reception rather abruptly – dashing out Cinderella-esq after a lovely comment from one of my Fellowship group friends. ‘So, how’s Darren?’

Mortified that I thought I’d heard her wrong, I actually asked her to repeat the question!!

I’d made it through the whole day, and had kept myself together until his name was mentioned. I’m not sure what she was thinking. But she smiled…so I think she enjoyed seeing whatever look must have passed over my face?

I have apologies to make to my other Fellowship Group friends. Who, I might add, have not called to find out if I got home ok, or if I threw myself under the 88 bus?

What the hell is going on with these Christians?

I won’t repeat the unending refrain…I’m tired of it. Hearing it, seeing it in arial 11…yes, it’s a difficult month. But, I have the new flat to think about – which will hopefully take my mind off it a little. And a best friend planning avoidance maneuvers for the end of the month.

I still don’t have to think about divorce…yet.

I went to Vegas

I went to Vegas

Vegas weddings are not what I thought they’d be. The first thing everyone kept asking me when I said I was going to one was, “Is it in one of those chapels?” And, “will there be an Elvis?” And so…I expected to see an Elvis. I didn’t see one, the whole time I was there! (I feel a little robbed!)

But, much like I’d guessed, everything is OTT. I stayed at the Luxor, the only pyramid shaped hotel on the strip. It’s huge…with darkened windows that glisten black in the sunlight…and Obsidian at night. Its summit throws a shaft of light into the night sky that can be seen for miles…I saw it from the Stratosphere, although that’s just four miles apart.

I went to Venice, Paris, Luxor and New York, all were huge and over stated. And, once you get past the theme, they’re all the same; a hotel with a huge casino, places to eat and lots of bars! Although, there were a few that took my breath away.

I loved the Bellagio for the Chinese New Year Exhibit and cocktails at the Petrossian Lounge. The Mandalay Bay for Shark Reef and Mix Bar (and the wedding!), New York New York for the Roller Coaster. Oh, and Stratosphere for the rides…

Vegas: the atmosphere matched nicely with the state of my head. I won’t make excuses…I also won’t divulge – I’ll leave that to the textile bound pages by my bed (although you can probably guess, by the omittance) It’s a 24/7, unforgiving place. And I was secretly glad I’d been let down by another of the bride’s girlfriends, leaving me with a room of my own. I could retreat…if it got too much.

This might be me trying to justify my insane existence, especially since I proclaim to be a practising Christian. But I just want to let you know; whosoever should be reading my not-so-secret-thoughts, that I am human. (as was JC) and that I pray and pray every day. And…I don’t know whether, like I say, this is in my head (crikey..I’m getting more incoherent with honesty) but, a voice in my heart says, ‘one step at a time’.

For example…I didn’t buy wine on the way home this evening. And I’ve logged out of Second Life. I’m writing my poetry again, and endeavouring to be ‘honest’ in my blog. I think, Christian or no – whoever looks at me, reads me…should see me for who i am. Not sure why…just seems important.

Anyway – pics will explain the rest of Vegas. I want to go back and do the Grand Canyon.

No Decisions

It was a beautiful, Godless wedding; which surprised me as i’d always thought registry offices would be dowdy and lack luster. The Old Town Hall, on Marylebone is a beautiful building. It was a bright day, albeit cold. But most importantly, it didn’t rain!

It was a drama from the start though; having planned to be at HA’s for 1pm, traffic, roadworks and everything else you could think of between South and North London impeded me, which resulted in me pulling up at hers around 2.15pm. The wedding was at 3pm!

There was poetry from John Betjemen (A Subaltern’s Love Song – Miss Joan Hunter Dunn), W H Auden (The drinking Poem?) and one other that escapes me.

At the Amadeus Centre we were treated to a champagne reception, and then a lovely dinner. There were fab speeches, with one from D herself, and her dad. It was lovely. And although i enjoyed it all….it’s all in a bit of a haze of my own misery, which i couldn’t shake. Funny how i found it easy to smile, horrified that i’d leave a stain on her day.

Then there was dancing, and i danced. It was good meeting up again with friends i hadn’t seen in a while. And making new ones. There was someone i must have talked to for most of the night. They’d also jsut split from a long term relationship. We actually laughed at what a miserable pair we made.

He texted me last night, agreeing to a face to face meeting tomorrow, and signed off asking me to take him back.

That’s what hurts the most, that he could do this; break my heart and think that i love him enough to take him back after. It’s not that i don’t love him, it’s that i have love for myself more now.

Don’t Tell The Bride

Last night was surreal as i sat and watched ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ on BBC iPlayer last night with C. She was desperate to watch it, because it was set in Las Vegas, where she’s getting married next year.

If i say that i feel like the emotion has been gouged out of me..maybe this comes close to explaining how i feel? I actually DON’T feel. And so, i could sit and watch the wedding shenanigans, with just a mild feeling of dread messing around with my insides.

She’d brought over some dresses for me to try on for D Mc’s wedding tomorrow, and found something that looks ok.

Two bottles of wine and some Saki later, it was 1am and i fell into a dreamless sleep. I was obviously not refreshed when i woke up. But i’d slept through the night. A lame victory.

I can imagine him telling his stag friends on the night he met Tracey O’Brien, “Don’t tell the bride…” And so, at the wedding i was indeed blissfully unaware. And happy.

I was happy

I’m addicted to FaceBook at the moment, catching up on friendships…and still debating whether to repost ‘that’ picture, or remove it all together. It also crossed my mind that i could just email it to him…and make him feel bad. But, he’s obviously feeling bad already…

Or, i could make some prints of it and post one out to him every day for a year…but that’d cost me a bit. And i’m trying to save.

Or, maybe i should stick to my original promise and try to find grace.

After the All Souls lunchtime service yesterday i briefly spoke to Hugh Palmer and asked if i could make an appointment to see him. I’m not sure what’s holding me back from making it. Maybe a bit of embarrassment and failure.

I can imagine him looking in his diary, “Oh, that girl i only married five months ago is coming in to see me. Can’t even keep her husband!”

Ugh! I can’t even imagine it. Me? Divorced??

I still can’t believe it – honestly? One minute i’m fine..i can plod on. The next minute i can’t even see straight.

I just can’t believe this is happening.