You miss me most when you’re craving
Your heart of discontent
And then you cry you’re worth saving
On this, i daily lament.
It hurts to see you head strong
When your heart is so very weak.
All sacrifice seems worthless. I long
For the prayer which you never speak.
All I ask is that you love me
I made grace so very easy for you
look away from your pained reverie
Trust my strength will see you through.
You’d think they’d quench the burn;
Silent rivulets of pain.
Dirty fingers wipe in turn
Each eye, mascara stained.
Breath, staccato beats a motto,
Echoes of the heart inside.
Whispered anthem for tomorrow,
Body braced to ride the tide.
What escapes faith bruised lips?
Sound more eloquent than words.
When the grasp on silence gently slips,
The soul still aches for what’s unheard.
There’s a handful of people that, in my heart, i really know i it’s ‘time’ i called. But i have a night to myself – I’ve made food, camomile tea, the TV is off, and the iPod is playing on random…
‘Me time’ has given me the space to mull over a few things; recent conversations, lack of conversations.
I keep thinking about the ‘space’ that appears in my head when people start talking about Him. Take the other day for instance. A friend was praising how well i was handling everything, and this ‘space’ appeared in my head. Like a magic trick in Harry Potter – cast the ‘invisible’ spell, and your eyes just slide off of me…I’m right there in front of you, but you can’t ‘see’ me.
Yes I’m handling it well..but that’s because I’m not handling it. I’m just living the best way i know how – and the rest i give to God…
My reading this morning covered a few parts of the bible, 1 Peter 1:7, about the trials in life that prove our faith. Peter was the focus of Matthew 14:29 also, “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
I like Peter; yes he had his doubts, he was headstrong and made mistakes – but with each mistake his faith and hope in JC was strengthened.
See, the crackle and burn of your grace?
Sound sears through icy dark,
Lays a hand on my face
Like solar flares, your love purges,
Frees the mercy you promise.
Faith and trust born, merges.
Nothing could be more simple;
You. Love. Me…
And all you bestow is ample
Nothing’s more harder to understand,
Forgiveness, mercy. Grace.
Only, to take your firery hand.
2 Peter 1:5-9
‘Mighty you are’, they say
And how they revere your name
They lift their heads to heaven
Mine dips, with the heaviness of shame
I’ll sit aside and listen. But,
In holiness, did you say ‘compete’?
Chapter and verse escape me
For unworthiness nails me meek
I endeavour to catch just a glimpse
But I’m far too small to see,
Poised on the balls of my feet
Obscured by hands raised in front of me
I’d like to think that you would stay
Carry me, and heal my filthy heart
Could you touch such as me, so defiled?
I pray, ‘Please, stay while I fall apart’.
Romans 8:35 & Luke 7:36-50
I woke up this morning with remnants of my dream echoing around my room. One of my new work colleagues talking about me to another, “Keep your distance…” Whispers…glances that judged me..
Fiction, a dream…but obviously something that’s been playing on my mind. I didn’t feel angry or indignant, because deep down, I know people should be keeping their distance. At least for a while anyway. It should be this way. I’m praying for it to be this way.
I can’t bear to put some of the things I’ve done in the last couple of months into Arial 11pt. And part of me questions, why, if I’m committing myself (throwing myself) into God’s hands, why it’s panned out this way? There’s a
nudging, insane part of me that feels i’m being torn…that I’m being tested (?) that satan is playing with me…and, yes, I feel so very vulnerable; and there’s no one to watch over me anymore.
By the same token, I’m playing too. And I do like playing. I actually can’t physically hurt anymore, so whoever it is that decides to ‘date’ actually puts themselves in jeopardy. It’s in my saner moments that i feel guilty.
When my lips are numb, from too much Merlot…i often look around and realise I’m on my own.
I can’t deny that God is in my life right now. Throughout all that’s been happening. And it’s a comfort.
Yesterday i missed the fast train to Waterloo by seconds. I got to the bottom of the station steps and the doors closed on me. The next train on the adjacent platfrom was the one that stopped at every station. I was late for work.
I’d already woken up feeling really down; and being a little consumed by it i couldn’t decide what carriage to sit in. I stood at one door, and then, at the risk of the doors closing on me again, ran to the next carriage and sat in that.
I was listening to music, debating on whether to pull my bible and study out when a man sat infront of me. He was reading a book called The Archer and the Arrow by Phillip Jensen & Paul Grimmond…it was a Christian book, as catching some of the chapter titles i could see that is was about the Gospel.
I know i’m so needy right now. But the thought of another Christian being near nearly made me sob. I took out my reading then, and it was on Psalm 73:1-28..God does have a plan for our lives. ‘You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory.’ v.24
What then, do i have to worry about?