Poem: Beautiful

I glimpse myself through your eyes
Only when I’m most filthy
Your voice, light through mud
flames burning purity
You make me beautiful

I am what I most despise
But you never see me filthy
You see light in thorns,
My flame ignites
You make me beautiful

In my most desolate cries
You whisper what I can be
Shining light through my
Dark heart, Trinity, with me
You are so beautiful

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I wrote a letter…

Dear,

I thought, at 35 years old, especially when it comes to relationships, that I’d experienced almost everything. And this is nothing to be proud of, but my thinking was…I could handle most of what life throws at me.

When I received the email via Facebook…basically telling me that you had been having an affair…that started on your Stag Do, I realised that I actually don’t know anything about love or relationships; and that you can never put your trust in anything other than God.

I’m confused that you still don’t have a reason for the lying and cheating, especially when you say that you still love me and would want us to still be together? Even more confusing is that it felt as if you were really committing you life to God, and genuinely felt God in your life.

I don’t know what’s going on in your heart – and part of me feels maybe you were being attacked…and failed. I don’t know – but what you’ve done is unforgivable. But, it’s not that I hate you…I hate what you’ve done to something that felt so good, and amazing.

I’m still with fellowship group – and glad you still see R and M – they’ve never mentioned that they see you. And I’m grateful for that. I feel lucky that I have a beautiful network of friends and family who have helped me immensely….i don’t know if I would have got through this without them

The job? Is amazing…seems strange that when I was at XXPR, it was my lifeline, and now I’m here. The people are amazing, the culture is so Christ focussed. We pray/have a devotional in the mornings and praise & worship every Friday lunch time.

The work is challenging, I’m learning so much, and immersing myself in news, entertainment and public affairs…

They have a counselling arm here, Lifeline…I’ve seen one of the ladies there. Again…XX has been my lifeline…

Anyway – we have a lot to sort out now….and no, i haven’t found anywhere to live yet.

I have to be out of the flat by 3rd March.

Will your Uncle be around to help more the heavy furniture? Worst-case scenario, I was thinking of getting storage – so can always dump stuff there.

I won’t need the sofa; probably won’t need the fridge. I really don’t know what to take tbh – and would only want what I need/can fit in wherever I’m going. I really want to ask for the TV for mum and dad really – and would give ££ towards it? Theirs is going…they don’t even get sound through there’s properly now. Wherever I go, I’m sure I’ll be ok with the little one.

Something’s Gotta Give? Hell Yeah!

I rely on others for my self worth. There; I admit it.

Instead of trusting in God, or even seeing this time as a journey to strengthen myself, and maybe get to know myself again, I’m waiting for text and FB messages from a man!?

Am I completely out of my tiny little mind?

I’ve actually known this since I was about 18 years old, but have never had to confront it – as I’ve never been without a boyfriend. Or, more simply, I’ve never been without male attention. But now I’m 35, and the admiring looks and comments are few and far…so very far between. How very shallow and sad i really am.

I read Psalm 23 today – by chance because i picked up my ‘Everyday with Jesus’ at the wrong place. ‘He restores my soul’….Do i change myself, or accept who i am; settling to the fact that i can only ever be who i am? Mistakes and f*ck-ups included? He must accept me for who i am…? Right? Or will he change me?

But, I’m continuing to suffer from the same kind of adversity in life. And my world collapsing around my ears must be the clue (something’s gotta give!) I need to change the way i behave, think, and act, because I’m guessing i won’t move forward if i insist on continuing to keep my life on this track, refusing to learn the lessons life is trying to teach.

I know that unless i ‘hand it all’ over to Him…i will continue to make the same mistakes. I’m settling to the fact that i married the wrong man. (obviously). And although it hurts like hell, i’m finding comfort in the fact that ‘it was only’ five months worth.

God Does Guide

I can’t deny that God is in my life right now. Throughout all that’s been happening. And it’s a comfort.

Yesterday i missed the fast train to Waterloo by seconds. I got to the bottom of the station steps and the doors closed on me. The next train on the adjacent platfrom was the one that stopped at every station. I was late for work.

I’d already woken up feeling really down; and being a little consumed by it i couldn’t decide what carriage to sit in. I stood at one door, and then, at the risk of the doors closing on me again, ran to the next carriage and sat in that.

I was listening to music, debating on whether to pull my bible and study out when a man sat infront of me. He was reading a book called The Archer and the Arrow by Phillip Jensen & Paul Grimmond…it was a Christian book, as catching some of the chapter titles i could see that is was about the Gospel.

I know i’m so needy right now. But the thought of another Christian being near nearly made me sob. I took out my reading then, and it was on Psalm 73:1-28..God does have a plan for our lives. ‘You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory.’ v.24

What then, do i have to worry about?

Train Ride

I learned today that it’s always worth waiting a little longer for the fast train. I was planning to be in work on time today, as we have a meeting. I left much earlier, and even had an extra minute or so to take the recyclable rubbish down to the bins.

At the station i was pleased to see the next train was due in four minutes…and jumped straight on. It was the slow train though; the one that stops at every station, and even worse, there were delays. At Clapham Junction i watched as the fast train, which would have got into Surbiton around 15 minutes after the one i was on, sailed past me.

Every Day with Jesus was on Proverbs 2:1-11, and focussed on the importance of reading the bible and not dipping into it and using it for divination.

Interestingly, as i caught up with my readings Lamentations 3:22-39 was about God’s never failing compassion. V30, ‘Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.’

I’m meeting him tonight, to talk about it all and what our future may be now. Is God saying i can slap him? Is he saying it’s ok to be this violently angry?

This verse certainly feels like a direct word from God!

My Heart is Breaking

It’s my first day back to work today.

Walking in felt really weird, mostly because i don’t want a fuss made; as this is the most likely way to get me to break down. Luckily, Dan is really cool and has just been ‘normal’. It’s the boss that’s a night mare , “come on, let me give you a big hug!”. I actually felt horrified. What? Do you want me to embarrass myself in front of everyone??

Sitting back at my desk feels a bit surreal, which may be a little because i haven’t had much sleep. I didn’t come in too late from seeing HA. It was good to get out and talk to someone over a bottle of wine. She never liked him much anyway – and what i love about her most is that she has always been totally honest about it. But even she’s shocked about it.

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I was woken up by a noise in the flat, and got out of bed to investigate…only, i could hardly move. I also couldn’t talk…let alone shout or scream. I got to the living room…and managed to croak, ‘who’s there!’…when a hand grabbed my arm from behind the door. That’s when i really woke up.

I feel much more emotional now…i sobbed when i got home last night. I sobbed in the bath this morning…and now i’m numb again. I can’t stopping going to FaceBook and looking at her picture..and then the one with him and her. I’m also wishing i hadn’t blocked him, as now i can’t see his profile. I’ve become the person i abhor; the FaceBook stalker, the sad and desperate woman…the one that cries and sobs into her cold coffee.

My Every Day with Jesus spoke to my heart this morning. It’s the fist time i’ve read it, or the bible since last Friday. It was focusing on Jeremiah 29:1-14 – ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart V13. Selwyn Hughes talks about prayer and how a few words muttered in the morning, or before going to sleep is meaningless, as is just saying the Lord’s Prayer. I know God is in my heart, and knows all things…but Selwyn is right…he deserves the respect of a proper conversation from me. Selwyn points to the Creation timeline…’There was evening, then morning …the first day” (my paraphrase). I need to get on my knees and pray this evening – properly for wisdom, strength and guidance….and that my boss will stop asking if i’m ok…

What a week!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

Sometimes I have visions of my Father God sitting with his hands over his ears. I’m ALWAYS asking for something; whether it’s a new car, new job, a husband, a house, a wedding, to win the lottery… Some of these things, buy his grace, I’ve received. But some, I haven’t.

This week has flown by, and today’s been topped off with the offer of a second interview for a job I’m going for. Something to be thankful for!

It may seem like an insubstantial thing in the whole grander scheme of things. But the job I’m currently at has such a bearing on my life, my moods…let’s just say God sees all, and I’m struggling in my spiritual journey while I’m here. I just won’t move forward, as I just can’t keep my mouth shut..(although, I find I’m slightly better than I use to be).

That said, I exploded a little when I discovered that my blog is being coped through RSS, and being passed off by another site. I’m not sure what to do about this. Seeing red, I had a little rant on twitter and Facebook, and then felt a little stupid for not handling it better.

Through Daily Blog Tips, I’ve established I’m within my rights to have it all taken down. But I don’t want it all to backfire and them start slating audiogeist! Humphf!