God Does Guide

I can’t deny that God is in my life right now. Throughout all that’s been happening. And it’s a comfort.

Yesterday i missed the fast train to Waterloo by seconds. I got to the bottom of the station steps and the doors closed on me. The next train on the adjacent platfrom was the one that stopped at every station. I was late for work.

I’d already woken up feeling really down; and being a little consumed by it i couldn’t decide what carriage to sit in. I stood at one door, and then, at the risk of the doors closing on me again, ran to the next carriage and sat in that.

I was listening to music, debating on whether to pull my bible and study out when a man sat infront of me. He was reading a book called The Archer and the Arrow by Phillip Jensen & Paul Grimmond…it was a Christian book, as catching some of the chapter titles i could see that is was about the Gospel.

I know i’m so needy right now. But the thought of another Christian being near nearly made me sob. I took out my reading then, and it was on Psalm 73:1-28..God does have a plan for our lives. ‘You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory.’ v.24

What then, do i have to worry about?

Train Ride

I learned today that it’s always worth waiting a little longer for the fast train. I was planning to be in work on time today, as we have a meeting. I left much earlier, and even had an extra minute or so to take the recyclable rubbish down to the bins.

At the station i was pleased to see the next train was due in four minutes…and jumped straight on. It was the slow train though; the one that stops at every station, and even worse, there were delays. At Clapham Junction i watched as the fast train, which would have got into Surbiton around 15 minutes after the one i was on, sailed past me.

Every Day with Jesus was on Proverbs 2:1-11, and focussed on the importance of reading the bible and not dipping into it and using it for divination.

Interestingly, as i caught up with my readings Lamentations 3:22-39 was about God’s never failing compassion. V30, ‘Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.’

I’m meeting him tonight, to talk about it all and what our future may be now. Is God saying i can slap him? Is he saying it’s ok to be this violently angry?

This verse certainly feels like a direct word from God!

My Heart is Breaking

It’s my first day back to work today.

Walking in felt really weird, mostly because i don’t want a fuss made; as this is the most likely way to get me to break down. Luckily, Dan is really cool and has just been ‘normal’. It’s the boss that’s a night mare , “come on, let me give you a big hug!”. I actually felt horrified. What? Do you want me to embarrass myself in front of everyone??

Sitting back at my desk feels a bit surreal, which may be a little because i haven’t had much sleep. I didn’t come in too late from seeing HA. It was good to get out and talk to someone over a bottle of wine. She never liked him much anyway – and what i love about her most is that she has always been totally honest about it. But even she’s shocked about it.

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I was woken up by a noise in the flat, and got out of bed to investigate…only, i could hardly move. I also couldn’t talk…let alone shout or scream. I got to the living room…and managed to croak, ‘who’s there!’…when a hand grabbed my arm from behind the door. That’s when i really woke up.

I feel much more emotional now…i sobbed when i got home last night. I sobbed in the bath this morning…and now i’m numb again. I can’t stopping going to FaceBook and looking at her picture..and then the one with him and her. I’m also wishing i hadn’t blocked him, as now i can’t see his profile. I’ve become the person i abhor; the FaceBook stalker, the sad and desperate woman…the one that cries and sobs into her cold coffee.

My Every Day with Jesus spoke to my heart this morning. It’s the fist time i’ve read it, or the bible since last Friday. It was focusing on Jeremiah 29:1-14 – ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart V13. Selwyn Hughes talks about prayer and how a few words muttered in the morning, or before going to sleep is meaningless, as is just saying the Lord’s Prayer. I know God is in my heart, and knows all things…but Selwyn is right…he deserves the respect of a proper conversation from me. Selwyn points to the Creation timeline…’There was evening, then morning …the first day” (my paraphrase). I need to get on my knees and pray this evening – properly for wisdom, strength and guidance….and that my boss will stop asking if i’m ok…

What a week!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

Sometimes I have visions of my Father God sitting with his hands over his ears. I’m ALWAYS asking for something; whether it’s a new car, new job, a husband, a house, a wedding, to win the lottery… Some of these things, buy his grace, I’ve received. But some, I haven’t.

This week has flown by, and today’s been topped off with the offer of a second interview for a job I’m going for. Something to be thankful for!

It may seem like an insubstantial thing in the whole grander scheme of things. But the job I’m currently at has such a bearing on my life, my moods…let’s just say God sees all, and I’m struggling in my spiritual journey while I’m here. I just won’t move forward, as I just can’t keep my mouth shut..(although, I find I’m slightly better than I use to be).

That said, I exploded a little when I discovered that my blog is being coped through RSS, and being passed off by another site. I’m not sure what to do about this. Seeing red, I had a little rant on twitter and Facebook, and then felt a little stupid for not handling it better.

Through Daily Blog Tips, I’ve established I’m within my rights to have it all taken down. But I don’t want it all to backfire and them start slating audiogeist! Humphf!

Joy

Inspiration: Luke 15:11-32 and Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller

I think I’m missing something; seriously.

My Facebook post yesterday was “Has lost ‘Joy’ somewhere between duvet and workplace?? If you see him…please redirect to me, here 🙂 Thanks x”

And, reading back my post from this afternoon has made me realise that the joy is seeping between the cracks in my faith.

It may just be a spot of PMT, impacted by the fact that we’re embarrassingly broke after the wedding. All the planning and spending – looking back makes me feel a little like the ‘second son’ in Timothy Keller’s book. Whattafake.

Me, that is.

“work at it with all your heart”

Colossians 3:20-24 – “23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…”
With an effort that really shouldn’t have to be juggernaut sized, I’m knuckling down on this ‘Glory’ thing for work.

So, my prayer this morning was along the lines of, ‘Please Lord, send your Holy Spirit to be with me so that I might bring everything I do today at your feet and for your glory. I pray Lord that my colleagues and especially my boss would see my good mood, and wonder what’s making me smile.’

I’m not sure if it’s because I also had the advantage of being able to attend the mid-week service this afternoon – but it’s been a pretty good day. Although i’ve half finished a proposal, i’ve also been given a project to take ownership of. I’m trying not to be keep the positivitiy around this. As, what normally happens is i do the research and put it in powerpoint presentation for the Boss to sign off; then she usually changes it around a little and sends it off herself, so the client actually has no idea i’ve done it.

Problem? Noooo…all for the Glory of God!

Ahem..

“The heart is deceitful above all things…” Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

It’s almost two months since our wedding, and after the chaos of organising, booking and a depleted bank account, you’d think we’d settle back into a life more ordinary. Not so: one particular aspect which seems to be the arch nemesis of my perfect Christian Life just won’t crawl under a bench and go away – Alcohol.

So now it’s not just me I’m worrying about – but my new husband. We’re not long back from honeymoon when he goes out for a ‘quiet’ drink after work one Friday for a colleague’s leaving do. We have ASLAN early the next morning – and so i remind him not to ‘overdo’ it.

Even he’s not sure how this happens, but after texting me at 1am-ish to say he’s on the way home, he goes missing for 10hours, waking up in a police station in Greenwich on Saturday afternoon.

I’d gone to serve at the day centre on Webber Street that morning, thinking that he would join me there, but no sign. I had had to ring round hospitals before I could report him missing to the police. This left the ASLAN team two men down with 60 or so homeless men and women that could not have a shower that morning.

My team leader there had prayed for me before sending me home. And we both thanked God after, that he was picked up by the police, and that nothing awful had happened.

In my heart I know I’m only half listening to this lesson. If I’m totally honest with myself I’m one of ‘those’ Christians that says I can drink/do/wear what I want because I’m not under law. I’m under grace.

But how does that show my love and devotion to HIM?

I made the Midweek service at All Soul’s today, and Rico spoke on Mark 14:1 -11 – the woman with alabaster jar, who poured £20k worth of perfume over Jesus’ head. Those at the dinner table with him reprimanded her. But Jesus said of her, “8She did what she could.” Meaning, she lived for Christ. Shirking what people thought of her to show her devotion to JC.

Paul’s letter to Titus teaches: “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2: 11-12

I led a bible study for Fellowship Group for the first time the other week. It was on 2 Timothy 3: 10 – 17: Here Paul is teaching Timothy to lead by example. He’s telling Timothy to ignore the ways of the world, just as he had. “10You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, 11persecutions, sufferings—what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured.”

I’ve an inkling that Paul never got home after one of these stressful occasions and cracked open a bottle of red wine with the words, “I’ve had SUCH a bad day! A glass or two should relax me a tad!”

Ephesians 5:18: ” Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit”.

In my heart I love God and, like my earthly father, I want him to be proud of me always. But I also know that that very same heart justifies a lot of the bad that I do. I fail ALL the time. EVERY day! I wonder sometimes if it’s worth me trying at all.

Jeremiah 17:9: “ 9The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Love Thy Neighbour

With Christmas over I’m thinking of the people i should have contacted, but have not over the festive period. Guiltily, those few are probably most in need of a friendly phone call; and I’ve purposely not called as i know the conversation will be stilted and leaning towards them venting their unlucky lot in life. That’s not very ‘Christian’ is it?

I’m torn between the ‘worldly’ view of surrounding myself with ‘good people’ who will in turn give me good vibes; and my fundamental need to give, and so finding myself gripping moulded plastic to my ear wishing i was anywhere but listening to the depressed monotone at the other end. If it were family it would not be a problem. (i would give my right arm to help my family) But with some people it’s not so much the ‘being there’ as a friendly ear, but knowing that they take advantage of me, using me knowing that i will try my best to help where i can.

And so, in berating myself – and quite possibly being given a hearty ‘push’ from my new friend the Holy Spirit, I’m exploring what does God say about helping the needy. Not just the physically needy, but those in emotional turmoil as well. In looking at the Cross – and all that God has done, and given to me…who the heck am i to moan about emotional baggage?

  • Galations 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ”.
  • Proverbs 11:25 says, ” A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”
  • Romans 12:6-8, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us..if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously..
  • John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

S
x

Why Can’t I Pray?

So..Fellowship Groups started again this Tuesday for the Autumn/Winter season. We’re reading 1 Samuel – and so far so good! I’m trying to understand Hannah, and what sort of belief/faith it takes for you to continuously ask God for something for half your life, and still love God – even when you don’t receive. And then when you do receive..to love him enough to give it back to him?!

You would think a story like that would move me to Prayer, right?! I’m telling you…my words don’t even catch in my throat…they hang about hotly around my ears somewhere.

I’m not taking this lightly..and i have to find some sort of cure. I mean..I’ve taken exams; i studied at University..i WRITE POETRY!?? And i can’t pray?

There were five of us last night….and at the end of the study we all voiced our prayer requests. R wrote them into an email which would later be mailed to each of us – and then we bowed our heads.

R is so eloquent, but it may have been easier for him as he had just written the prayer requests down. S has only been a committed Christian for about 2 years – but even within a year she’d thrown herself into working with ASLAN and other All Souls related things. She prays with her heart….an articulate keening expression of faith.

B is a quiet soul, and this reflects in her prayers. She’s thoughtful, and will pick a strand that touches each of us, to lift us infront of God our Father. M is clear-cut, and his uncomplicated and confident prayers were short and sharp.

Why can’t i?

fellowship group