My knees are raw with bending,
Sun and moon are my witness
It seems like you do not see?
They bless me with light,
And you with darkness.
Keening ears ache in the silence,
You do not speak to me.
And then, you glance my way;
Saw love trapped behind watery eyes.
Maybe you heard my whisper,
Through the world’s cacophony?
And, you bestow more than the ask.
My only hope, you are here.
Once blinded, you wipe away my tears…
Vegas weddings are not what I thought they’d be. The first thing everyone kept asking me when I said I was going to one was, “Is it in one of those chapels?” And, “will there be an Elvis?” And so…I expected to see an Elvis. I didn’t see one, the whole time I was there! (I feel a little robbed!)
But, much like I’d guessed, everything is OTT. I stayed at the Luxor, the only pyramid shaped hotel on the strip. It’s huge…with darkened windows that glisten black in the sunlight…and Obsidian at night. Its summit throws a shaft of light into the night sky that can be seen for miles…I saw it from the Stratosphere, although that’s just four miles apart.
I went to Venice, Paris, Luxor and New York, all were huge and over stated. And, once you get past the theme, they’re all the same; a hotel with a huge casino, places to eat and lots of bars! Although, there were a few that took my breath away.
I loved the Bellagio for the Chinese New Year Exhibit and cocktails at the Petrossian Lounge. The Mandalay Bay for Shark Reef and Mix Bar (and the wedding!), New York New York for the Roller Coaster. Oh, and Stratosphere for the rides…
Vegas: the atmosphere matched nicely with the state of my head. I won’t make excuses…I also won’t divulge – I’ll leave that to the textile bound pages by my bed (although you can probably guess, by the omittance) It’s a 24/7, unforgiving place. And I was secretly glad I’d been let down by another of the bride’s girlfriends, leaving me with a room of my own. I could retreat…if it got too much.
This might be me trying to justify my insane existence, especially since I proclaim to be a practising Christian. But I just want to let you know; whosoever should be reading my not-so-secret-thoughts, that I am human. (as was JC) and that I pray and pray every day. And…I don’t know whether, like I say, this is in my head (crikey..I’m getting more incoherent with honesty) but, a voice in my heart says, ‘one step at a time’.
For example…I didn’t buy wine on the way home this evening. And I’ve logged out of Second Life. I’m writing my poetry again, and endeavouring to be ‘honest’ in my blog. I think, Christian or no – whoever looks at me, reads me…should see me for who i am. Not sure why…just seems important.
Anyway – pics will explain the rest of Vegas. I want to go back and do the Grand Canyon.
I can’t deny that God is in my life right now. Throughout all that’s been happening. And it’s a comfort.
Yesterday i missed the fast train to Waterloo by seconds. I got to the bottom of the station steps and the doors closed on me. The next train on the adjacent platfrom was the one that stopped at every station. I was late for work.
I’d already woken up feeling really down; and being a little consumed by it i couldn’t decide what carriage to sit in. I stood at one door, and then, at the risk of the doors closing on me again, ran to the next carriage and sat in that.
I was listening to music, debating on whether to pull my bible and study out when a man sat infront of me. He was reading a book called The Archer and the Arrow by Phillip Jensen & Paul Grimmond…it was a Christian book, as catching some of the chapter titles i could see that is was about the Gospel.
I know i’m so needy right now. But the thought of another Christian being near nearly made me sob. I took out my reading then, and it was on Psalm 73:1-28..God does have a plan for our lives. ‘You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory.’ v.24
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman
It was a beautiful, Godless wedding; which surprised me as i’d always thought registry offices would be dowdy and lack luster. The Old Town Hall, on Marylebone is a beautiful building. It was a bright day, albeit cold. But most importantly, it didn’t rain!
It was a drama from the start though; having planned to be at HA’s for 1pm, traffic, roadworks and everything else you could think of between South and North London impeded me, which resulted in me pulling up at hers around 2.15pm. The wedding was at 3pm!
There was poetry from John Betjemen (A Subaltern’s Love Song – Miss Joan Hunter Dunn), W H Auden (The drinking Poem?) and one other that escapes me.
At the Amadeus Centre we were treated to a champagne reception, and then a lovely dinner. There were fab speeches, with one from D herself, and her dad. It was lovely. And although i enjoyed it all….it’s all in a bit of a haze of my own misery, which i couldn’t shake. Funny how i found it easy to smile, horrified that i’d leave a stain on her day.
Then there was dancing, and i danced. It was good meeting up again with friends i hadn’t seen in a while. And making new ones. There was someone i must have talked to for most of the night. They’d also jsut split from a long term relationship. We actually laughed at what a miserable pair we made.
He texted me last night, agreeing to a face to face meeting tomorrow, and signed off asking me to take him back.
That’s what hurts the most, that he could do this; break my heart and think that i love him enough to take him back after. It’s not that i don’t love him, it’s that i have love for myself more now.
With Christmas over I’m thinking of the people i should have contacted, but have not over the festive period. Guiltily, those few are probably most in need of a friendly phone call; and I’ve purposely not called as i know the conversation will be stilted and leaning towards them venting their unlucky lot in life. That’s not very ‘Christian’ is it?
I’m torn between the ‘worldly’ view of surrounding myself with ‘good people’ who will in turn give me good vibes; and my fundamental need to give, and so finding myself gripping moulded plastic to my ear wishing i was anywhere but listening to the depressed monotone at the other end. If it were family it would not be a problem. (i would give my right arm to help my family) But with some people it’s not so much the ‘being there’ as a friendly ear, but knowing that they take advantage of me, using me knowing that i will try my best to help where i can.
And so, in berating myself – and quite possibly being given a hearty ‘push’ from my new friend the Holy Spirit, I’m exploring what does God say about helping the needy. Not just the physically needy, but those in emotional turmoil as well. In looking at the Cross – and all that God has done, and given to me…who the heck am i to moan about emotional baggage?
Galations 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ”.
Proverbs 11:25 says, ” A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”
Romans 12:6-8, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us..if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously..
John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.