Something’s Gotta Give? Hell Yeah!

I rely on others for my self worth. There; I admit it.

Instead of trusting in God, or even seeing this time as a journey to strengthen myself, and maybe get to know myself again, I’m waiting for text and FB messages from a man!?

Am I completely out of my tiny little mind?

I’ve actually known this since I was about 18 years old, but have never had to confront it – as I’ve never been without a boyfriend. Or, more simply, I’ve never been without male attention. But now I’m 35, and the admiring looks and comments are few and far…so very far between. How very shallow and sad i really am.

I read Psalm 23 today – by chance because i picked up my ‘Everyday with Jesus’ at the wrong place. ‘He restores my soul’….Do i change myself, or accept who i am; settling to the fact that i can only ever be who i am? Mistakes and f*ck-ups included? He must accept me for who i am…? Right? Or will he change me?

But, I’m continuing to suffer from the same kind of adversity in life. And my world collapsing around my ears must be the clue (something’s gotta give!) I need to change the way i behave, think, and act, because I’m guessing i won’t move forward if i insist on continuing to keep my life on this track, refusing to learn the lessons life is trying to teach.

I know that unless i ‘hand it all’ over to Him…i will continue to make the same mistakes. I’m settling to the fact that i married the wrong man. (obviously). And although it hurts like hell, i’m finding comfort in the fact that ‘it was only’ five months worth.

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Don’t Tell The Bride

Last night was surreal as i sat and watched ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ on BBC iPlayer last night with C. She was desperate to watch it, because it was set in Las Vegas, where she’s getting married next year.

If i say that i feel like the emotion has been gouged out of me..maybe this comes close to explaining how i feel? I actually DON’T feel. And so, i could sit and watch the wedding shenanigans, with just a mild feeling of dread messing around with my insides.

She’d brought over some dresses for me to try on for D Mc’s wedding tomorrow, and found something that looks ok.

Two bottles of wine and some Saki later, it was 1am and i fell into a dreamless sleep. I was obviously not refreshed when i woke up. But i’d slept through the night. A lame victory.

I can imagine him telling his stag friends on the night he met Tracey O’Brien, “Don’t tell the bride…” And so, at the wedding i was indeed blissfully unaware. And happy.

I was happy

I’m addicted to FaceBook at the moment, catching up on friendships…and still debating whether to repost ‘that’ picture, or remove it all together. It also crossed my mind that i could just email it to him…and make him feel bad. But, he’s obviously feeling bad already…

Or, i could make some prints of it and post one out to him every day for a year…but that’d cost me a bit. And i’m trying to save.

Or, maybe i should stick to my original promise and try to find grace.

After the All Souls lunchtime service yesterday i briefly spoke to Hugh Palmer and asked if i could make an appointment to see him. I’m not sure what’s holding me back from making it. Maybe a bit of embarrassment and failure.

I can imagine him looking in his diary, “Oh, that girl i only married five months ago is coming in to see me. Can’t even keep her husband!”

Ugh! I can’t even imagine it. Me? Divorced??

I still can’t believe it – honestly? One minute i’m fine..i can plod on. The next minute i can’t even see straight.

I just can’t believe this is happening.