I’ve just had to take a long hard look at myself. And it’s awful.
Friends tell me that what i am doing is normal; that is going out, drinking too much wine and going on ‘dates’ is not a bad thing. But…and BUT…this evening it all came crashing down around my ears. I sobbed on the train home from Watford. I cried when i got in the flat…and i think i cried myself to sleep.
I met an old friend for dinner in Watford this evening. He’s expecting a baby, which is unplanned, but i got a sense of expectation and excitment from him.
Then, on the way home i received a call that made me stop and take a look at myself. I’d planned to meet up on ‘dates’ during the week, and on Sunday. But, my ‘dating’, revelry or whatever i want to call it is such a bad idea. It doesn’t matter how much i go out, or drink, the problem is still here when i put the glass down. In fact, it’s unfair on whoever it is i’m making ‘friends’ with, i’m a drunken mess. So, i’m dumped (again), and straight after i call the other ‘friend’ to cancel our dinner on Sunday.
When i finally got home i remembered the ‘Liar and Cheat’ had been in to pick up some things. What he’d picked up? I still don’t really know. But he’s left me a DVD he thought i’d like, and a text message to say how much he still loves me?!
I’m not ok. I’m really not.