I left you sleeping to worship
Our God in heaven.
I left your warmth and comfort
And walked into the cold wind
And the icy rain.
But when I sat before God
And asked him to bless you,
To greatly bless you
A new comfort, like no other
Settled over me.
A love, like no other
He teaches me how to love you
How to greatly love you.
Let me count the ways you love me…
An eon’s not enough in time.
You call me, call me, call me.
And I continue to hide.
While your love spans the ages,
And I have turned away
You love me, love me, love me.
But I never stay.
It’s only when I’m on my knees
And I can no longer run
You bless me, bless me, bless me
And I come undone.
Lord carry me, carry me, carry me.
And I will count the ways
You love me, love me, love me
I will sing your praise.
Water dappled cars.
Air heavy as the blacked sky.
But, it’s not raining. Yet.
Snippets of swoosh, spish of
Six am traffic,
And Kings of Leon play
In a Cold Desert.
This time, I’m faster, further.
But the hill feels steeper.
Burning lungs, knee twinge,
As an old man cycles past me.
I woke up this morning with remnants of my dream echoing around my room. One of my new work colleagues talking about me to another, “Keep your distance…” Whispers…glances that judged me..
Fiction, a dream…but obviously something that’s been playing on my mind. I didn’t feel angry or indignant, because deep down, I know people should be keeping their distance. At least for a while anyway. It should be this way. I’m praying for it to be this way.
I can’t bear to put some of the things I’ve done in the last couple of months into Arial 11pt. And part of me questions, why, if I’m committing myself (throwing myself) into God’s hands, why it’s panned out this way? There’s a
nudging, insane part of me that feels i’m being torn…that I’m being tested (?) that satan is playing with me…and, yes, I feel so very vulnerable; and there’s no one to watch over me anymore.
By the same token, I’m playing too. And I do like playing. I actually can’t physically hurt anymore, so whoever it is that decides to ‘date’ actually puts themselves in jeopardy. It’s in my saner moments that i feel guilty.
When my lips are numb, from too much Merlot…i often look around and realise I’m on my own.
Alcohol is a funny thing. It’s like an annoying friend. You know the type; you get on hilariously with them and have had some rib achingly good times together. But there’s that selfish streak about them that you’re not keen on. They always have to have their pennies worth, sometimes to the detriment of you.
Although hubby and i were home last night, we drank our way through three bottles of wine! Add to this the fact that i hadn’t much lunch, and dinner was a slimming salmon fishcake and salad, the result was emotionally messy.
If i already have a bee in my bonnet about something, i’m a hurtful drunk. I suddenly have a right to speak my mind; what’s the point of not being honest? All the niggles that i would usually just swallow and not say anything about, (i’m thinking sawdust and plank here..Matthew 7:3-5) come spilling out of my mouth like Chenin Blanc into stemmed Ikea.
So saying, i deserve my headache.
And so, one of the hardest and full on weeks started on Monday with me travelling to Great Missenden, the home of Roald Dahl. Twentieth Century Fox organised a press junket for Domestic and Brit press ahead of the World Premier of Fantastic Mr Fox, at BFI London Film Festival yesterday. It was a beautiful day – the sun was shining, the schedule ran more or less to plan and i got to take a second look at Roald Dahl and his fabulous story telling.
I realise that i need a writing hut just like Roald Dahl’s if i’m going to get published. It needs a battered old chair, family photos and an old filing cabinet. Dahl has his own hip bone among the nick naks on his desk, but I’d probably stick with pencil sharpeners and maybe a rubix cube or two. Liccy, his widow, has left the hut untouched, so it looks like Roald Dahl has popped out for a stroll and will be back at any moment.
I visited the Roald Dahl museum gift shop and bought a collection of his short stories and his autobiographies; Boy & Going Solo. Boy has already made me lol on the tube.
The Premier last night was amazing. Leicester Square was completely taken over, with a bridge between the Odeon and the Empire cinemas. BFI Director, Artistic Director, Amanda Nevill introduced the 53rd LFF, and then introduced Wes Anderson, who in turn introduced George Clooney, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, Eric Anderson (yes, his brother!) Jarvis Cocker and Liccy Dahl.
I wondered why Sophie Dahl has not been involved at all. I think she’s too busy launching her own book to help promote her Grandfather.
I had a dream last night about the poetry events i’m working on for Michael Horovitz and Alexander De Cadenet. In it, i was was making calls, and sending email after email to journalists with a growing sense of apprehension.
Weird dreams..the spot that’s erupted on my cheek this morning…i must be stressed!
And this isn’t even taking the wedding plans into account! My Facebook status asked the question: Can i get out of table planning by putting on a game of Musical Chairs for the wedding? I have a suspicion that maybe not.
My to do list:
Find a florist
Buy a Bridesmaid dress, plus the Flower Girls and Page Boys
Tally the Tables
Dig out a DJ
Save the Dates – (are these lost in the post or what?!!)
Write the wording for the invites
Getting off the tube this morning – i stepped out on to a wet and windy Oxford Circus. It was a bit miserable – but as i slipped on the wet pavement i nearly cried! If that wasn’t bad enough – the Big Issue seller turned to me and said – ‘you falling for me love?’ – but instead of scowling, i laughed!
I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo – well it was meant to be just the one. Now, i’m thinking of having a bible verse on my wrist as well – 1 John 4:10.
Mum’ll kill me.
A post by email?
This may of course sound ignorant to professional bloggers, often happenstancers… But, i’ve just discovered that i can quickly update my blog by sending myself and email! Genius!