Poem: Your eyes disappointed me most.

Two years ago i found out my husband of five months had cheated on me. Happy Anniversary:

Your eyes disappointed me most.
What I mistook for deep wells of honesty,
Were actually fathomless pools of regret.
And, each declaration you bestowed on me
Was your own, furtive lament.

Now i bow to you, awesome piece of work.
And though mascara peppers the porcelain
I think: how clever you have been,
to use that same mouth for her and me
And not stumble on the intent.

Your deception was so profound,
not even the altar could alter it.
Your words still sit like bile on water,
Dirty consequences of your infidelity
Fixed in my heart like cement.

Oh yes, I bow because of you,
Not the last debasement I ever do.
Wine wretched stomach retching,
And a topsy-turvy salute,
To love that came and went.

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Victim

I listen to Kings of Leon.. when I’m feeling most crap..It should be something more spiritual I guess; that’s what i used to do. Something that speaks to my soul when I’m not listening.

I was at the solicitors, Law for All. My appointment was for 3pm.. I arrived on time. And I waited with fear and doubt carving ever deeper grooves in my chest. I didn’t see Maria Abdul until around 3.50pm (by then I couldn’t bear to look at the clock anymore)

No I don’t qualify for legal aid. It would be best not to site Adultery ind the divorce, as this makes for more paper work and court time for busy solicitors.

Oh, and I have to do it myself: fill in the forms, take them to court etc.

Ultimately, and feeling as shite as I’m feeling, it was the most discourteous, shit experience I’ve ever had. That added to the fact that I’m going to have to do this myself anyway…So now I can see more crap ahead waiting for me.

Then on the bus.. While a group of black guys argued with and bullied their friend who’d tried to flirt with me, and then the girl next to me accidentally kicked me, and didn’t even look at me to acknowledge an apology, I asked myself.. ‘How long will you be a victim?’

Sink

There’s a handful of people that, in my heart, i really know i it’s ‘time’ i called. But i have a night to myself – I’ve made food, camomile tea, the TV is off, and the iPod is playing on random…

‘Me time’ has given me the space to mull over a few things; recent conversations, lack of conversations.

I keep thinking about the ‘space’ that appears in my head when people start talking about Him. Take the other day for instance. A friend was praising how well i was handling everything, and this ‘space’ appeared in my head. Like a magic trick in Harry Potter – cast the ‘invisible’ spell, and your eyes just slide off of me…I’m right there in front of you, but you can’t ‘see’ me.

Yes I’m handling it well..but that’s because I’m not handling it. I’m just living the best way i know how – and the rest i give to God…

My reading this morning covered a few parts of the bible, 1 Peter 1:7, about the trials in life that prove our faith. Peter was the focus of Matthew 14:29 also, “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

I like Peter; yes he had his doubts, he was headstrong and made mistakes – but with each mistake his faith and hope in JC was strengthened.

The Royal Wedding (or, It’s exactly a year ago…)

And so, The Year is approaching. And as the Royal couple get ready for their Big Day, amongst the media buzz and furore, I try to forget my Big Day.

Forget the excitement of the last few days of singledom; the brilliant Hen night, the last minute preparations, the finishing touches and eleventh-hour-decisions. Although, I must say, I’m happiest forgetting the smoke spewing from my credit cards.

There were ever widening ripples of excitement amongst family and friends. Proud faces, happy congratulations – but above all, there was the two of us. There was my blind trust in him; that we were a ‘team’. We’d see each other through the minor stresses to enjoy the biggest and best day of our lives. Because after it, we knew we had the rest of our lives ahead of us.

What a difference A Year makes?

I’ve moved to a new place, on my own. I say ‘new’ – but this town is where I’ve had my happiest memories. I lived here when I was around 5 to about 10 years old. ‘Here’ was the first house mum and dad owned. Here is where I went to school, had a best friend..’played out’ ‘til late with my next door neighbour; oh, and fell while swinging on bollards putting my teeth through my bottom lip.

I like it here – but I don’t like the worry that comes with planning to meet bills, and make ends meet, having no one to lean on; no more ‘team’.

It’s the wine – I’m being a tad negative.

Yes on the other hand, there’s the positive challenge of being on my own. Doing my own thing, and at my own pace. The positive making of me as a strong and motivated woman, who’s not reliant on a man.

This is what I was before I met him actually – although never single, I was quite independent. But once you start leaning on someone, you easily get used to the support, and become lazy.

Anyway, wine aside. Today, I’m sad.

I wrote a letter…

Dear,

I thought, at 35 years old, especially when it comes to relationships, that I’d experienced almost everything. And this is nothing to be proud of, but my thinking was…I could handle most of what life throws at me.

When I received the email via Facebook…basically telling me that you had been having an affair…that started on your Stag Do, I realised that I actually don’t know anything about love or relationships; and that you can never put your trust in anything other than God.

I’m confused that you still don’t have a reason for the lying and cheating, especially when you say that you still love me and would want us to still be together? Even more confusing is that it felt as if you were really committing you life to God, and genuinely felt God in your life.

I don’t know what’s going on in your heart – and part of me feels maybe you were being attacked…and failed. I don’t know – but what you’ve done is unforgivable. But, it’s not that I hate you…I hate what you’ve done to something that felt so good, and amazing.

I’m still with fellowship group – and glad you still see R and M – they’ve never mentioned that they see you. And I’m grateful for that. I feel lucky that I have a beautiful network of friends and family who have helped me immensely….i don’t know if I would have got through this without them

The job? Is amazing…seems strange that when I was at XXPR, it was my lifeline, and now I’m here. The people are amazing, the culture is so Christ focussed. We pray/have a devotional in the mornings and praise & worship every Friday lunch time.

The work is challenging, I’m learning so much, and immersing myself in news, entertainment and public affairs…

They have a counselling arm here, Lifeline…I’ve seen one of the ladies there. Again…XX has been my lifeline…

Anyway – we have a lot to sort out now….and no, i haven’t found anywhere to live yet.

I have to be out of the flat by 3rd March.

Will your Uncle be around to help more the heavy furniture? Worst-case scenario, I was thinking of getting storage – so can always dump stuff there.

I won’t need the sofa; probably won’t need the fridge. I really don’t know what to take tbh – and would only want what I need/can fit in wherever I’m going. I really want to ask for the TV for mum and dad really – and would give ££ towards it? Theirs is going…they don’t even get sound through there’s properly now. Wherever I go, I’m sure I’ll be ok with the little one.

‘Keep Your Distance’

I woke up this morning with remnants of my dream echoing around my room. One of my new work colleagues talking about me to another, “Keep your distance…” Whispers…glances that judged me..

Fiction, a dream…but obviously something that’s been playing on my mind. I didn’t feel angry or indignant, because deep down, I know people should be keeping their distance. At least for a while anyway. It should be this way. I’m praying for it to be this way.

I can’t bear to put some of the things I’ve done in the last couple of months into Arial 11pt. And part of me questions, why, if I’m committing myself (throwing myself) into God’s hands, why it’s panned out this way? There’s a
nudging, insane part of me that feels i’m being torn…that I’m being tested (?) that satan is playing with me…and, yes, I feel so very vulnerable; and there’s no one to watch over me anymore.

By the same token, I’m playing too. And I do like playing. I actually can’t physically hurt anymore, so whoever it is that decides to ‘date’ actually puts themselves in jeopardy. It’s in my saner moments that i feel guilty.

When my lips are numb, from too much Merlot…i often look around and realise I’m on my own.

October 2011

I spent £120 this morning for a solicitor to tell me that I can’t divorce him until a year after the date on our marriage certificate. (?!) And then the decree absolute will be finalised around six months after.

I won’t go into the obvious of what this means…emotionally, but basically I’m just gutted. Again.
After the info late last week, that he’s possibly still with her, it just seems so unfair that she’s reveling in what she’s done, and I’m left with this huge gaping hole. Although, part of me feels that I shouldn’t be listening to hearsay.

I can manage practicalities at the moment; family, friends. Even helping to tie ribbons on my friend’s wedding invitations; although part of me wanted stab myself in the eye while I was doing it…

The numbness has morphed into a constant pain now…sometimes it’s just beneath the surface, invisible. Sometimes it’s a lump in my chest…but mostly it just hurts all the time.