The Royal Wedding (or, It’s exactly a year ago…)

And so, The Year is approaching. And as the Royal couple get ready for their Big Day, amongst the media buzz and furore, I try to forget my Big Day.

Forget the excitement of the last few days of singledom; the brilliant Hen night, the last minute preparations, the finishing touches and eleventh-hour-decisions. Although, I must say, I’m happiest forgetting the smoke spewing from my credit cards.

There were ever widening ripples of excitement amongst family and friends. Proud faces, happy congratulations – but above all, there was the two of us. There was my blind trust in him; that we were a ‘team’. We’d see each other through the minor stresses to enjoy the biggest and best day of our lives. Because after it, we knew we had the rest of our lives ahead of us.

What a difference A Year makes?

I’ve moved to a new place, on my own. I say ‘new’ – but this town is where I’ve had my happiest memories. I lived here when I was around 5 to about 10 years old. ‘Here’ was the first house mum and dad owned. Here is where I went to school, had a best friend..’played out’ ‘til late with my next door neighbour; oh, and fell while swinging on bollards putting my teeth through my bottom lip.

I like it here – but I don’t like the worry that comes with planning to meet bills, and make ends meet, having no one to lean on; no more ‘team’.

It’s the wine – I’m being a tad negative.

Yes on the other hand, there’s the positive challenge of being on my own. Doing my own thing, and at my own pace. The positive making of me as a strong and motivated woman, who’s not reliant on a man.

This is what I was before I met him actually – although never single, I was quite independent. But once you start leaning on someone, you easily get used to the support, and become lazy.

Anyway, wine aside. Today, I’m sad.

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Poem: The ask

My knees are raw with bending,
Sun and moon are my witness
It seems like you do not see?
They bless me with light,
And you with darkness.
Keening ears ache in the silence,
You do not speak to me.

And then, you glance my way;
Saw love trapped behind watery eyes.
Maybe you heard my whisper,
Through the world’s cacophony?
And, you bestow more than the ask.
My only hope, you are here.
Once blinded, you wipe away my tears…

Psalm 139:16
Habakkuk 2:3

Poem: Crackle and burn

See, the crackle and burn of your grace?
Sound sears through icy dark,
Lays a hand on my face

Like solar flares, your love purges,
Frees the mercy you promise.
Faith and trust born, merges.

Nothing could be more simple;
You. Love. Me…
And all you bestow is ample

Nothing’s more harder to understand,
Forgiveness, mercy. Grace.
Only, to take your firery hand.

2 Peter 1:5-9

Poem: Stay

‘Mighty you are’, they say
And how they revere your name
They lift their heads to heaven
Mine dips, with the heaviness of shame

I’ll sit aside and listen. But,
In holiness, did you say ‘compete’?
Chapter and verse escape me
For unworthiness nails me meek

I endeavour to catch just a glimpse
But I’m far too small to see,
Poised on the balls of my feet
Obscured by hands raised in front of me

I’d like to think that you would stay
Carry me, and heal my filthy heart
Could you touch such as me, so defiled?
I pray, ‘Please, stay while I fall apart’.

Romans 8:35 & Luke 7:36-50

I hate weddings

I didn’t take a single photo. And it was a beautiful wedding. The fact that it was at All Souls, and it’s April…grated on me. And if I’m totally honest – I hated every minute. Please don’t tell the bride.

I left the evening reception rather abruptly – dashing out Cinderella-esq after a lovely comment from one of my Fellowship group friends. ‘So, how’s Darren?’

Mortified that I thought I’d heard her wrong, I actually asked her to repeat the question!!

I’d made it through the whole day, and had kept myself together until his name was mentioned. I’m not sure what she was thinking. But she smiled…so I think she enjoyed seeing whatever look must have passed over my face?

I have apologies to make to my other Fellowship Group friends. Who, I might add, have not called to find out if I got home ok, or if I threw myself under the 88 bus?

What the hell is going on with these Christians?

I won’t repeat the unending refrain…I’m tired of it. Hearing it, seeing it in arial 11…yes, it’s a difficult month. But, I have the new flat to think about – which will hopefully take my mind off it a little. And a best friend planning avoidance maneuvers for the end of the month.

I still don’t have to think about divorce…yet.