Crocodile Tears

I’m surprised, again by the lack of hangover after last night’s drinks and dancing. I’ve successfully managed not to think of anything at all really for the past day or so. But briefly had a set back when Darren’s cousin tapped me on the shoulder in Punk.

Small world? It gets smaller every day! There i was, enjoying the Friday night when M walked in with her partner. Being tipsy, i thought i had a fine excuse to tell her everything about her cousin. But, in doing so, i questioned why his family didn’t know already? What were they trying to prove? That i’ll get back with him and mark it all down as ‘a bad patch’?

I think they’re expecting me at the birthday bash. And what then? We play happy families? I realised today that i can’t do that. I also realised that in not going his mother will be upset with me.

I hadn’t expected her this morning, but she arrived with him and P to collect more of his things. I think she’s just trying to cope; and going through the motions of planning her party to claw back some semblance of normality.

His eyes where wet when he walked in, and again when he was leaving. But i know he’s mourning the life he’s thrown away, not me. And now i’m thinking there must be something detestable about me. I feel so flawed.

Friday night wasn’t just filled with dancing and too much wine – i also had a friend take advantage of me. With the words, ‘You’re not going to be weird about this are you?’ ringing in my ears; i laughed it off and told myself i was ‘Cool With It’. But now I am feeling damned weird about it! I’m a grown adult, but at the same time i’m feeling shite about myself and very needy. I need people to lean on, not to help themselves.

Of course, i have to let it go. As i feel like an idiot, again. It’s another experience to teach me that men are nothing but predators. They’ll smile in your face, and lie while looking into your eyes.

The exceptional ones will weep while they reach for your hand; lyrically enocuraging your retribution, stopping short of self flagellation.

I wish i owned a horse whip.

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