Through Different Eyes

I’ve just had to take a long hard look at myself. And it’s awful.

Friends tell me that what i am doing is normal; that is going out, drinking too much wine and going on ‘dates’ is not a bad thing. But…and BUT…this evening it all came crashing down around my ears. I sobbed on the train home from Watford. I cried when i got in the flat…and i think i cried myself to sleep.

I met an old friend for dinner in Watford this evening. He’s expecting a baby, which is unplanned, but i got a sense of expectation and excitment from him.

Then, on the way home i received a call that made me stop and take a look at myself. I’d planned to meet up on ‘dates’ during the week, and on Sunday. But, my ‘dating’, revelry or whatever i want to call it is such a bad idea. It doesn’t matter how much i go out, or drink, the problem is still here when i put the glass down. In fact, it’s unfair on whoever it is i’m making ‘friends’ with, i’m a drunken mess. So, i’m dumped (again), and straight after i call the other ‘friend’ to cancel our dinner on Sunday.

When i finally got home i remembered the ‘Liar and Cheat’ had been in to pick up some things. What he’d picked up? I still don’t really know. But he’s left me a DVD he thought i’d like, and a text message to say how much he still loves me?!

I’m not ok. I’m really not.

Something’s Gotta Give? Hell Yeah!

I rely on others for my self worth. There; I admit it.

Instead of trusting in God, or even seeing this time as a journey to strengthen myself, and maybe get to know myself again, I’m waiting for text and FB messages from a man!?

Am I completely out of my tiny little mind?

I’ve actually known this since I was about 18 years old, but have never had to confront it – as I’ve never been without a boyfriend. Or, more simply, I’ve never been without male attention. But now I’m 35, and the admiring looks and comments are few and far…so very far between. How very shallow and sad i really am.

I read Psalm 23 today – by chance because i picked up my ‘Everyday with Jesus’ at the wrong place. ‘He restores my soul’….Do i change myself, or accept who i am; settling to the fact that i can only ever be who i am? Mistakes and f*ck-ups included? He must accept me for who i am…? Right? Or will he change me?

But, I’m continuing to suffer from the same kind of adversity in life. And my world collapsing around my ears must be the clue (something’s gotta give!) I need to change the way i behave, think, and act, because I’m guessing i won’t move forward if i insist on continuing to keep my life on this track, refusing to learn the lessons life is trying to teach.

I know that unless i ‘hand it all’ over to Him…i will continue to make the same mistakes. I’m settling to the fact that i married the wrong man. (obviously). And although it hurts like hell, i’m finding comfort in the fact that ‘it was only’ five months worth.

God Does Guide

I can’t deny that God is in my life right now. Throughout all that’s been happening. And it’s a comfort.

Yesterday i missed the fast train to Waterloo by seconds. I got to the bottom of the station steps and the doors closed on me. The next train on the adjacent platfrom was the one that stopped at every station. I was late for work.

I’d already woken up feeling really down; and being a little consumed by it i couldn’t decide what carriage to sit in. I stood at one door, and then, at the risk of the doors closing on me again, ran to the next carriage and sat in that.

I was listening to music, debating on whether to pull my bible and study out when a man sat infront of me. He was reading a book called The Archer and the Arrow by Phillip Jensen & Paul Grimmond…it was a Christian book, as catching some of the chapter titles i could see that is was about the Gospel.

I know i’m so needy right now. But the thought of another Christian being near nearly made me sob. I took out my reading then, and it was on Psalm 73:1-28..God does have a plan for our lives. ‘You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory.’ v.24

What then, do i have to worry about?

Have you ever been in love? – Neil Gaiman

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

Crocodile Tears

I’m surprised, again by the lack of hangover after last night’s drinks and dancing. I’ve successfully managed not to think of anything at all really for the past day or so. But briefly had a set back when Darren’s cousin tapped me on the shoulder in Punk.

Small world? It gets smaller every day! There i was, enjoying the Friday night when M walked in with her partner. Being tipsy, i thought i had a fine excuse to tell her everything about her cousin. But, in doing so, i questioned why his family didn’t know already? What were they trying to prove? That i’ll get back with him and mark it all down as ‘a bad patch’?

I think they’re expecting me at the birthday bash. And what then? We play happy families? I realised today that i can’t do that. I also realised that in not going his mother will be upset with me.

I hadn’t expected her this morning, but she arrived with him and P to collect more of his things. I think she’s just trying to cope; and going through the motions of planning her party to claw back some semblance of normality.

His eyes where wet when he walked in, and again when he was leaving. But i know he’s mourning the life he’s thrown away, not me. And now i’m thinking there must be something detestable about me. I feel so flawed.

Friday night wasn’t just filled with dancing and too much wine – i also had a friend take advantage of me. With the words, ‘You’re not going to be weird about this are you?’ ringing in my ears; i laughed it off and told myself i was ‘Cool With It’. But now I am feeling damned weird about it! I’m a grown adult, but at the same time i’m feeling shite about myself and very needy. I need people to lean on, not to help themselves.

Of course, i have to let it go. As i feel like an idiot, again. It’s another experience to teach me that men are nothing but predators. They’ll smile in your face, and lie while looking into your eyes.

The exceptional ones will weep while they reach for your hand; lyrically enocuraging your retribution, stopping short of self flagellation.

I wish i owned a horse whip.