Depressed

Night Owl.
Eyes wide like the moon
Take pity on the day walker;
Eyes squinting ears ringing with the stars.
We day walkers troop to the sunshine,
and even then, when calculating the mood.
Let them sleep in the moon’s shine,
Tip toe around the night speaks,
They have enough to decipher of the day

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The more poeple that know, the more real it becomes

I felt lost in the flat last night, and found myself faffing around on Second Life, visiting the near empty Christian hangouts there. The only person i met really was a newbie, around a day old who had already joined eight or so groups including Big Furry Bears, Gay Horns and Anglicans of Second Life. It felt like a joke.

I’ve not told a single one of my friends as yet. Partly because of the shame of it, partly because that if i tell people, i’m admitting it’s happened. The words feel unreal to me, and i’m not sure people will believe me.

We’re at that stage where we’ve all been caught up with our own lives anyway – so to be honest, picking a close friend, a confident, will be hard. I haven’t had a ‘best friend’ since junior school. One’s going through the process of getting an IVA; another is getting married next week. One’s in the middle of exchanging on her own flat, and another is planning her Vegas wedding in February next year. We’re busy.

Then there’s the matter of being five months married. What’s the protocol? Do we have to return gifts…when some thank you cards have only just made it out?? At least his bonus has come through and we can pay the Church this month.

I’m whispering to God, but i can’t seem to pray. I’m willing the Holy Spirit to stay near, and almost putting out my hand to check he’s there. I think he is. I feel anethestised. Numb.

Adultery

Place the photo album in trash. Hide the picture frames under the couch. The dress will go to Oxfam. (Stuff the topper in the ‘junk’ drawer). Open the bottle of Pino Grigot…

I found out my husband has been having an affair yesterday. We’ve been married five months.

Or, I should say – I received an email via FaceBook with the information. Gary Thomas; whistle blower, marriage wrecker. Thank you.

My parents are shocked; his mother is distraught. His brother called me to say he’s gutted. I am numb. I can see the ripples of devastation shooting through the air. It’s not just me he’s damaged, but two families.

I’m numb.

The only time i really cried was this mroning, when it dawned on me he has taken my children away from me. We were planning a family, and had chosen names for both a boy and a girl that will now never be.

Now, i need to know why.