Last night was surreal as i sat and watched ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ on BBC iPlayer last night with C. She was desperate to watch it, because it was set in Las Vegas, where she’s getting married next year.
If i say that i feel like the emotion has been gouged out of me..maybe this comes close to explaining how i feel? I actually DON’T feel. And so, i could sit and watch the wedding shenanigans, with just a mild feeling of dread messing around with my insides.
She’d brought over some dresses for me to try on for D Mc’s wedding tomorrow, and found something that looks ok.
Two bottles of wine and some Saki later, it was 1am and i fell into a dreamless sleep. I was obviously not refreshed when i woke up. But i’d slept through the night. A lame victory.
I can imagine him telling his stag friends on the night he met Tracey O’Brien, “Don’t tell the bride…” And so, at the wedding i was indeed blissfully unaware. And happy.
I’m addicted to FaceBook at the moment, catching up on friendships…and still debating whether to repost ‘that’ picture, or remove it all together. It also crossed my mind that i could just email it to him…and make him feel bad. But, he’s obviously feeling bad already…
Or, i could make some prints of it and post one out to him every day for a year…but that’d cost me a bit. And i’m trying to save.
Or, maybe i should stick to my original promise and try to find grace.
After the All Souls lunchtime service yesterday i briefly spoke to Hugh Palmer and asked if i could make an appointment to see him. I’m not sure what’s holding me back from making it. Maybe a bit of embarrassment and failure.
I can imagine him looking in his diary, “Oh, that girl i only married five months ago is coming in to see me. Can’t even keep her husband!”
Ugh! I can’t even imagine it. Me? Divorced??
I still can’t believe it – honestly? One minute i’m fine..i can plod on. The next minute i can’t even see straight.
I just can’t believe this is happening.