Friends Indeed

I’d often had cause to complain about my friends; some can be flaky or uncompromising. There’s one who will stay in West London, never to venture out, leaving me to trek over to see her each time. Then there’s the Christmas party where each one of them copped out because the couldn’t make the effort to get to Southfields. Oh, and let’s not mention the birthday barbeque party at mum’s, again, too far south.

I probably won’t have a party again, ever…unless it’s an intimate dinner; but i’ve realised that in a time of personal crisis they will all be there. Every single one of them.

Straight away they’ve made themselves available for me to ‘lean’ on. Although i’d always reckoned on being quite strong, i’m so not. And it’s pride that stops me from cracking up. If i let go…who know’s what will happen? I sometimes feel i’d melt into a puddle of goo like the Senator Kelly in X-Men 2.

They all have an opinion on him, of course. Although most are totally gobsmacked when they first find out. Once the shock passes, most want to either stab him or punch him. I might start a poll, and see which is the most popular form of retribution.

I still pity him, and have prayed for him everyday. I hope he takes my advice and does truely see a counsellor.

Maybe we just have to face the fact as women; that it’s in a man’s makeup to cheat? They just can’t be monogamous? But i know deep down, that there are men out that, who’re not even Christians, that are faithful to their wives/partners and who love them ‘to the exclusion of all others..’

This has me thinking; if he’s been seeing her for over six months, (half a year!), then he must have an emotional attachment to her. And what’s worse? Emotional or physical cheating?

Take A Good look At My Face

The world around me is continuing to go on as normal, and all the while my life is crumbling around my ears.

People are on honeymoon, having birthdays and remembering friends who have passed away today. I felt very lonely watching Daybreak by myself this morning, and I’ve just realised i forgot to eat breakfast.

The meeting with him last night was pretty pointless. I’m not even sure what i wanted from it really – maybe for him just to take a good look at my face.

He has no explanation for his reprehensible behaviour, which makes the fact that he’s ruined our life completely pointless. At least if he’d fallen in love with her, or he hated me, or found me repulsive…

I gave him his rain coat, and he cried a little more. I also told him to book into a counsellor, as he needs to understand why he needed to self destruct. Married again too soon after the death of his previous wife? Low self esteem?

I drank two large glasses of wine with him..he cried into his continuously…my grief engulfed me every so often. I’d felt strong when i first walked into the bar and saw him…and it happened again. Not sure if i’d said, but when i was at the wedding, sitting at the reception, every time i felt overtaken by emotion, i felt a hand in the small of my back, or on my side…like someone had nudged me. The same happened last night.

Not sure how to explain it, Pinot Grigio? But my prayers have been to be kept safe, and close to God. I want to imagine the Holy Spirit as a person, never leaving my side.

Train Ride

I learned today that it’s always worth waiting a little longer for the fast train. I was planning to be in work on time today, as we have a meeting. I left much earlier, and even had an extra minute or so to take the recyclable rubbish down to the bins.

At the station i was pleased to see the next train was due in four minutes…and jumped straight on. It was the slow train though; the one that stops at every station, and even worse, there were delays. At Clapham Junction i watched as the fast train, which would have got into Surbiton around 15 minutes after the one i was on, sailed past me.

Every Day with Jesus was on Proverbs 2:1-11, and focussed on the importance of reading the bible and not dipping into it and using it for divination.

Interestingly, as i caught up with my readings Lamentations 3:22-39 was about God’s never failing compassion. V30, ‘Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.’

I’m meeting him tonight, to talk about it all and what our future may be now. Is God saying i can slap him? Is he saying it’s ok to be this violently angry?

This verse certainly feels like a direct word from God!

No Decisions

It was a beautiful, Godless wedding; which surprised me as i’d always thought registry offices would be dowdy and lack luster. The Old Town Hall, on Marylebone is a beautiful building. It was a bright day, albeit cold. But most importantly, it didn’t rain!

It was a drama from the start though; having planned to be at HA’s for 1pm, traffic, roadworks and everything else you could think of between South and North London impeded me, which resulted in me pulling up at hers around 2.15pm. The wedding was at 3pm!

There was poetry from John Betjemen (A Subaltern’s Love Song – Miss Joan Hunter Dunn), W H Auden (The drinking Poem?) and one other that escapes me.

At the Amadeus Centre we were treated to a champagne reception, and then a lovely dinner. There were fab speeches, with one from D herself, and her dad. It was lovely. And although i enjoyed it all….it’s all in a bit of a haze of my own misery, which i couldn’t shake. Funny how i found it easy to smile, horrified that i’d leave a stain on her day.

Then there was dancing, and i danced. It was good meeting up again with friends i hadn’t seen in a while. And making new ones. There was someone i must have talked to for most of the night. They’d also jsut split from a long term relationship. We actually laughed at what a miserable pair we made.

He texted me last night, agreeing to a face to face meeting tomorrow, and signed off asking me to take him back.

That’s what hurts the most, that he could do this; break my heart and think that i love him enough to take him back after. It’s not that i don’t love him, it’s that i have love for myself more now.

Don’t Tell The Bride

Last night was surreal as i sat and watched ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ on BBC iPlayer last night with C. She was desperate to watch it, because it was set in Las Vegas, where she’s getting married next year.

If i say that i feel like the emotion has been gouged out of me..maybe this comes close to explaining how i feel? I actually DON’T feel. And so, i could sit and watch the wedding shenanigans, with just a mild feeling of dread messing around with my insides.

She’d brought over some dresses for me to try on for D Mc’s wedding tomorrow, and found something that looks ok.

Two bottles of wine and some Saki later, it was 1am and i fell into a dreamless sleep. I was obviously not refreshed when i woke up. But i’d slept through the night. A lame victory.

I can imagine him telling his stag friends on the night he met Tracey O’Brien, “Don’t tell the bride…” And so, at the wedding i was indeed blissfully unaware. And happy.

I was happy

I’m addicted to FaceBook at the moment, catching up on friendships…and still debating whether to repost ‘that’ picture, or remove it all together. It also crossed my mind that i could just email it to him…and make him feel bad. But, he’s obviously feeling bad already…

Or, i could make some prints of it and post one out to him every day for a year…but that’d cost me a bit. And i’m trying to save.

Or, maybe i should stick to my original promise and try to find grace.

After the All Souls lunchtime service yesterday i briefly spoke to Hugh Palmer and asked if i could make an appointment to see him. I’m not sure what’s holding me back from making it. Maybe a bit of embarrassment and failure.

I can imagine him looking in his diary, “Oh, that girl i only married five months ago is coming in to see me. Can’t even keep her husband!”

Ugh! I can’t even imagine it. Me? Divorced??

I still can’t believe it – honestly? One minute i’m fine..i can plod on. The next minute i can’t even see straight.

I just can’t believe this is happening.

My Heart is Breaking

It’s my first day back to work today.

Walking in felt really weird, mostly because i don’t want a fuss made; as this is the most likely way to get me to break down. Luckily, Dan is really cool and has just been ‘normal’. It’s the boss that’s a night mare , “come on, let me give you a big hug!”. I actually felt horrified. What? Do you want me to embarrass myself in front of everyone??

Sitting back at my desk feels a bit surreal, which may be a little because i haven’t had much sleep. I didn’t come in too late from seeing HA. It was good to get out and talk to someone over a bottle of wine. She never liked him much anyway – and what i love about her most is that she has always been totally honest about it. But even she’s shocked about it.

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I was woken up by a noise in the flat, and got out of bed to investigate…only, i could hardly move. I also couldn’t talk…let alone shout or scream. I got to the living room…and managed to croak, ‘who’s there!’…when a hand grabbed my arm from behind the door. That’s when i really woke up.

I feel much more emotional now…i sobbed when i got home last night. I sobbed in the bath this morning…and now i’m numb again. I can’t stopping going to FaceBook and looking at her picture..and then the one with him and her. I’m also wishing i hadn’t blocked him, as now i can’t see his profile. I’ve become the person i abhor; the FaceBook stalker, the sad and desperate woman…the one that cries and sobs into her cold coffee.

My Every Day with Jesus spoke to my heart this morning. It’s the fist time i’ve read it, or the bible since last Friday. It was focusing on Jeremiah 29:1-14 – ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart V13. Selwyn Hughes talks about prayer and how a few words muttered in the morning, or before going to sleep is meaningless, as is just saying the Lord’s Prayer. I know God is in my heart, and knows all things…but Selwyn is right…he deserves the respect of a proper conversation from me. Selwyn points to the Creation timeline…’There was evening, then morning …the first day” (my paraphrase). I need to get on my knees and pray this evening – properly for wisdom, strength and guidance….and that my boss will stop asking if i’m ok…